Rose's Cantina

Like most of you, I am sick to death of watching an orange-tinged orangutan with scrawny biceps, a big belly and tiny baby hands. Embed from Getty Images  And don't get me started on that helmet-haired dame who reminds me of Dr. Evil. Don't tell me that hasn't occurred to you. It's like watching an endless loop on the Zoomer Channel, not CNN which has turned into a gigantic infomercial for Trump Resorts, a reality series about the goofs that run the FBI, and Bill Clinton's nose. Get him to a vein clinic, stat! I'm also tired of shrill Latisse- and Botox-loving blondes wearing jumpsuits, named after Best in Show dogs and home shopping channel mavens, who have nothing better to do with their days than scrapping with blacks and Latinos. I guess none of these people have day jobs. The only fun I get is trying to figure out how old Barbara Starr  is or even if she is still alive , and watching John King squirm ...

Embed from Getty Images A few fembots in America have their knickers in a twist over the fact that most young women would rather vote for Larry David than Hillary Clinton. They believe that young women are setting back the feminist cause because they don't seem to care about the historic fact that Hillary could become the first female U.S. president. I call her Hillary, by the way, not to confuse her with her multicultural husband, Bill (Roman hands and Russian fingers) who used to be president but now hovers behind his wife in the background, looking more and more like the old stand-up comic, the guy you remember who always had the corny jokes and played Sullivan. Now he's opening for Louis C.K. The old fembots -- you know who they are, one looks like your grandma, the other looks like she's grandpa's mistress -- are saying that women are flocking to Larry David, I mean, Bernie Sanders, because that's where all the hot guys are working. That may b...

Good morning and welcome to Canada AM. There's a lot going on in news today so let's get started. On the business file, it was discovered that the head of LuLulemon Athletic didn't look right in his yoga pants, so they cut off his penis. In Canadian politics today, it was announced that the Senate of Canada would be shut down due to attrition. Conservative members are dropping like flies from the Mike Duffy flu. The Nelson Mandela memorial was rocked by drug scandal this week. First they found out that the interpreter had forgotten to take his medication for schizophrenia and nobody told him Mandela wasn't dead. Then, it was revealed that Barack Obama and David Cameron had been slipped Viagra by the Danish Prime Minister. Joking with the media later, Obama quipped he was simply glad his wife Michelle didn't have diamonds on the souls of her shoes at the time. In Toronto, Rob Ford has been served a libel notice by the Toronto Star for a not-so -veiled attemp...

Does it bother anyone in this icebox country to know that more Americans know Rob Ford than Stephen Harper? On three separate versions of Jeopardy , the place where brainiacs go to die, contestants could not identify the man who has led this country far too long. Yet, ask anyone walking down the street and they will tell you that Rob Ford, God Bless Him, is the Mayor of Toronto. Canada, we have a serious public relations problem. Who's going to invest in a country whose biggest celebrity right now is Chris Farley? Who's going to want to come up here except for alcoholics and crackheads? I blame our Prime Minister who spends too much time in Europe and at hockey games. I'm betting that Stephen Harper could walk down the street in New York City without a ball cap and with a gigantic "Stephen Harper, Prime Minister" logo on his bomber jacket and he wouldn't get a second look. Yet, Rob Ford has achieved Alec Baldwin status not just in America but all over...

I have a phobia about business cards. Every time, I get business cards, something terrible happens. I get sacked. Or my business folds. So I started refusing to use them. I also don't go on vacation. Again, whenever I do, something terrible happens. I once worked for a political party and decided to take a much needed vacay to Jamaica (jus cool!). When I came back, I noticed I'd been turned down for a VISA card. The next day, I found out why. There was a new sheriff in town who handed me my walking stick. Another time, I went on vacation with my husband and over dinner, he told me he was cheating on me with an old girlfriend. A few months later, he took me to England and left me in the airport to fly to Bermuda into the waiting arms of the woman I now refer to as the White Witch of Bermuda. My step-son called it Rose's Goodbye Tour. Hah. So I don't travel anymore. Don't get me wrong, I trust this husband. But I'm afraid he might be eaten by sharks or k...

There's an hilarious story in the Globe and Mail , the paper that fun usually forgets, about the Harper government's obsession with spending your tax dollars to bring the War of 1812 to homes across this great land in the form of Hollywood style commercials. The story reveals that little Harpos at the "Centre" became obsessed with continuity and rung their hands raw over the smallest details of the battle including the color and texture of Laura Secord's cape. (I would have colored it chocolate!) Anyways, the story brought back memories of Grade school field trips from my beloved St. Catharines home to Niagara-on-the-Lake where we got eat a bagged lunch and ogle the Brock monument. As kids, we put up with this nonsense because our real reward was to continue on to Niagara Falls where the real fun was at Madame Tussaud's and Ripley's Believe it or Not! I do not recollect much about the War of 1812, but I cannot forget seeing my firs...

I'm avoiding American television today. And tomorrow. Maybe forever. Like that little crying girl on Youtube, I am sick of Branco Bama and Mitt Romney. Also, Bill Maher. And Bill O'Reilly. Certainly, the ladies of The View. I told Scott the other day that if the Republicans win, I'll have to avoid The View Forever. Elisabeth Hasselbeck will be even more insufferable than she is now. It's occurred to me that every time the Republicans win, it's like a dream sequence in which the nerds from the Big Bang Theory take over the high school from the cool kids. Or maybe the high school surrenders to The Shark Tank . And it just might happen, ladies and germs. Get your health care while you still can. Harvest those crops where the Canada Pipeline is going to be. And you, on the East Coast, prepare to wait for help from the PRIVATE SECTOR. FEMA will be a Democratic wet dream. It's looking suspiciously likely that the 'Pubs may take the Great Stat...

I don't spend much time thinking about American politics. The campaigns are too long to pique my interest and the rhetoric is often too much to bare. But the campaign has suddenly become interesting because the president tanked during the election debate. You might call him Barack Obomba. Now all of a sudden there's horse race between Barry and a guy who's named after a garment because, as Barbara Walters noted yesterday, suddenly Mitt has shown himself capable of being "presidential". Holy shit, the left and George Clooney are screaming. We might lose this election!!! Okay, folks, cool the fuck down. As we know in Canada one debate does not an election make. Not counting, of course, the debate between Mulroney and Turner, but Turner was going to lose anyway. Obama's a terrible debater because he never debates. He dictates. That's what presidents do in the U.S. They tell people what to do. Trouble with Obama was that he didn't even tr...

It seems our prime minister is faltering in his quest for world domination. Sure, he and Barry O'bama were all smiles for the photo ops. But when they got down and dirty at APEC, Barry showed Steve-o the hand. He might even have farted in his general direction. Not much of a bromance when you come right down to it. Harper seems not to understand how little Canada means to the rest of the world. Except for our comedy. And our music. And even in those arenas, the Brits are gaining on us. Goodbye SCTV , Hello, The Office . Goodbye David Foster . Hello Simon Cowell . About the only things Americans respect us for are our cheap drugs and our looney-tune acrobats. And Lorne Michaels. Anyway. Steve-o should take some tips from former prime ministers to improve our influence south of the border. The Yanks hated Trudeau. But damn it, they respected him. He shunned Reagan, but he dated Barbra Streisand. He was too cool. And left them wanting more. Mul...