Rose's Cantina

Embed from Getty Images Shit, I have skin cancer. On my face, and on my ear. I spent an hour today with a dermatologist who burned and froze various portions of my face and took a chunk out of my right ear. The doctor was nice. She said, "Well, if it's any consolation, if you're going to get cancer, this is the best one to get." With that she lopped off an unsightly bump on my chin. "At least you won't die from it." Lovely. People might say we the skin cancer people have only ourselves to blame. We've spent too many hours in the sun playing tennis and golfing without the benefit of hats or sunscreen. Of course, we didn't know about sunscreen when we pinkos were lathering ourselves with baby oil back in the day. And we scoffed at it when the news came out that walking on sunshine could kill you. Me, I've stayed out of the sun, for the most part, for about five years and put sticky stuff on my heaving bodice. I don't...

After my gut-wrenching experience at the ER Sunday night, with the determination my condition was not a heart attack, I returned home emboldened by the fact I simply had the flu. I wasn't going to die horrifically on the wrong end of a pair of paddles, I was just destined to languish with a supply of Peptol Bismol, green tea and soup. But the pain got worse, like a knife in the back, made worse by lying for any length of time. So sleep came two hours at a time followed a level of pain which was excruciating. By 3 a.m. the day after the first ER visit, on Monday morning, it was time to go back, to call the doctor on his diagnosis. Gut pain is the worst because it can come from anywhere. It's always hard to nail down, so I wouldn't have blamed the original doctor except for the fact he didn't even palpitate my abdomen during my visit and only focused on the symptom of chest pain. Before my visit, I scoured my usual Internet favorites: WebMD, the Mayo Clinic, some...

My grandpa, Loyal Crown, took a tray full of medications each day for his various ailments. As a result, he used to fall down a lot. Granny Ina called them "spells". Today, we might suspect that his "spells" were caused by the fact he mixed so many medications. That topic never came up in the 60s. He just fell down a lot until one day he didn't get up. Farmers are suspicious of doctors.We only go to see them at the 11th hour and sometimes that means that we see the doctor after an ambulance visit. That was how Granny Crown used to do it. She'd stay away from the doctor for years then something would happen, like the time she went downstairs for a bottle of beer and ended up being carted to the St. Catharines General Hospital with a fractured hip. One thing we knew. Once you saw the doctor, you were in the system and that would eventually lead to death. I start this blog with this anecdote because, when it comes to modern medicine, I hate to be ...

I went for my first physical exam in years yesterday with the dithering Dr. Ben, a former resident of Morocco who, while fluent in the language of love, has some difficulty communicating in the language of world enterprise. Don't get me wrong; he's a lovely man, an older gentleman with a warm smile and a je ne sais quoi? attitude. A change in a mole? No problem, madame, ven it groz beeg I vill take it out! Anxiety? No, you do not have anxiety! Exercise! I couldn't help but be amused. He kind of reminded me of Dr. Spaceman on 30 Rock. If Dr. Spaceman rode a camel. First, it was clear that Dr. Ben didn't have much experience with computers. He picked and misspelled and backspaced on each word, then announced the word out loud, almost triumphantly. Normal! He also didn't seem to have any of the right equipment or supplies to do a physical on a woman of my size and age. The baby blue top I was given didn't begin to cover my breasts. It was the s...

About a week ago, two days after The Peanut was born, I received a letter from the Ontario government saying Healthcare Connect had found me a family doctor. Whoopee! It was as if I'd won the lottery. I had been on the waiting list for more than a year after dumping The Worst Family Doctor in Ontario (TWFDO), the one who refused to look in my vagina. My family would no longer have to wait in line for hours to see a practitioner. During my last visit to the local clinic, I was made to wait four hours and ended up going to the hospital anyway, only to wait another six hours. Finally, I gave up and turned to my home pharmacy for relief. Yesterday, I trudged down the street(!) to see Dr. Ben, who is a kindly older doctor from Morocco with an impossible name to pronounce. I showed my health card and was whisked in to see him in less than five minutes. We had a meet and greet chat, I showed him my sprained ankle, and he assured me that I was on the mend and gym-ready. We also ...

At last, a sensible suggestion from Canada's doctors. Do away with parking fees at hospitals. Level the playing field. Take away unnecessary stress from patients. Pity the downtrodden who are forced to come to the hospital every day. Stop taxing the poor and the sick. The hospitals will ignore this advice, of course. They depend on parking fees to pay for medical equipment. The same way the province depends on seniors to lose their Old Age Pensions at the government-run casinos. But the argument has some merit. A few weeks back, I was acting as a volunteer driver for my friends Bob and Doris when Doris was in the hospital and Bob was sick at home. It cost about $100 to a) stay with Doris during her emergency treatment b) visit Doris in the hospital c) shuffle Bob around to various doctors appointments. Usually, we can get around the parking fees because we live close to the hospital. If Scott or Marissa needed to go to emerg or an appointment, I'd simply drop th...

I got an anniversary card on Friday. It's been exactly one year since I joined the Ontario Government's Health Care Connect program which is designed to match orphaned patients with family doctors. About every quarter, I get a form letter saying the program is still looking for a doctor for me, and reminding me not to give up the search myself. Fortunately, I am in good health and I have the ability to seek out medical attention when necessary. For example, I needed cataract surgery and got it through a referral from my optometrist. Today, I will be on the phone to get a breast exam to the Ontario Breast Screening Program which I can access without a family doctor. But like thousands in this province, I have to rely on over-crowded, uncaring clinics for my medical needs. When I'm really sick, as I was three weeks ago, I can take myself down the street to the Ottawa Hospital's urgent care centre. This, to me, is not good enough. On at least two occasion...

For twenty years, I had a family doctor whom I absolutely adored. He was a Franco-Ontarian, movie star handsome, soft-spoken and caring. He ran a small practice on Dalhousie Street in Ottawa, as well as a couple of satellite clinics in Bourgette and Clarence Creek. When he closed his Ottawa practice, I used to drive out to the country to see him because I loved him. He did more than check my vitals; he listened. About five years ago, Dr. Jacques decided to cut back. He said he'd had it with the long hours and the paperwork, and was ultimately going to retire. Because I had stopped seeing him on a frequent basis, I was being cut as a patient. I was mortified. I was able to find another doctor, the one I lovingly refer to as The Worst Family Doctor in Ontario. He's not really THE WORST, I suspect, but he certainly doesn't live up to the standards that Dr. Jacques maintained. I think it's a big problem for my generation, the patients who grew up with the Ma...

My recent close encounters with modern socialized medicine have not been horrible, so I've become somewhat emboldened to embrace the system. But in my own way. I have need of a number of medical interventions, specifically tests. I haven't had a physical for three years, and I haven't had a proper physical since the kids were small, nearly twenty years ago. My current sawbones, The Worst Family Doctor in Ontario, is adverse to looking at my vagina so I don't think his physical exams really count. When I complained to the Ontario College of Family Physicians, I was informed that if I wanted to take my complaint further, they would provide my name to the doctor who would promptly fire me a a patient. So I didn't follow through. That's right, I chickened out. What's most maddening is that he's next to useless because he cancels his appointments all the time. I guess it's because his wife's a baby doctor. I'm hoping it's not bec...