Rose's Cantina

#499134775 / gettyimages.com I've been trying to make sense of the debate over the theft of celebrity images. I've also been trying to find a way to get my point across without pissing off all the right-minded citizens who see this activity as a crime, nothing more, nothing less. So I've decided to channel Louis C.K. to see how he would have assessed the situation. Woo. Here goes. Jennifer Lawrence and a hundred other celebrities nobody cares about got their photos hacked off something called the iCloud. I never use the iCloud but people who are more saavy than me do so to make sure their photos don't disappear when their piece of shit computer batteries melt down. This happened to me twice and nearly caused a fire, so you at Apple don't be so damned smarmy about your technology. Sometimes even Apple sucks balls. The stealing of these images is a terrible, terrible crime. The people who violate a person's privacy should be prosecuted to...

    I come from a long line of flat asses. We have boobs, we have tummies, but our asses are missing in action. My mom was skinny until she went through the change. If she turned sideways she'd disappear. She got older and gained a significant amount of weight, but still no ass. I never really thought about my non-ass until recently, when I couldn't get my pants up. This has happened before, but usually the muffin top is to blame. I was slipping on my Lulu Lizlemon pants the other day and got a gander at my butt. It's fucking huge. I blame -- or credit -- the gym for this phenomenon. The elliptical trainer to be exact. After a couple of years of stair-steppin' on that baby, I have developed a bubble butt. A Kim Kardashian tush the size of a balloon. Happy birthday to me. I'm not complaining. Just sayin'. Maybe it's true. Maybe big bottomed girls do make the world go around. Take that Sheryl Sandberg.      ...