Rose's Cantina

Dear Gallbladder: I've been thinking a lot about you over the last week whilst you were relentlessly stabbing me in the back. I'm disappointed in you. We've been through so much together; now is not the time to break up. Of course, we might not have any choice. The doctor may issue a restraining order meaning that you and I will inevitably part ways. I will be alone and you will be in a glass jar someplace mothering all those baby crystals for time in memorial. If this is the case, and we will know soon, I will accept my part in all of this. The drinking, the 2 a.m. smoked meat at Nate's, the T-bones on the barbecue. We've had some good times, haven't we? I was the life of the party and you, well, you were the organ beneath my ribs. I see now how selfish I've been. Putting my face in that pile of ribs was awesome, but I understand now what a sacrifice you made. Mixing up bile, spewing out stones, and I never even knew. You suffered in silenc...

Great news! I lost eight pounds in two weeks thanks to a combination of the Dr. Oz Two Week Rapid Weight Loss Program and a violent attack of gallstones caused by it. Truth be told, I abandoned the diet after a week and two trips to the ER and I'm now subsisting on instant oatmeal, dry toast, soup, tuna fish and avocado. The searing back pain has gone, thank God. Now it only hurts when I walk, breath or laugh. Oh yes, and my poop is now resembling the sludge from the Exxon Valdez. But I'm still here. In pain, but still here. And I'm vowing to blow the lid off the ill effects of The DOTWRW and other diets that can nearly kill you without at least the following disclaimer: Can result in the following: unexpected weight loss, pain that equals that of child birth, and alien life forms spewing out your butt hole. The good news is that I feel like I've come out the other side. But: what to do to make sure this never happens again? Well, it seems Sherlock H...

My mother spent over a year in the Toronto Hospital wasting away from a bowel blockage the doctors found only when they opened her up as a last resort. She died two weeks later of an infection. She was 67. I wish I had been in Toronto to be her health advocate. but I was here, in Ottawa, busy rearing three small children and living my entitled lifestyle. I wasn't even there at the end -- I couldn't bear to be the one to pull the plug. Afterwards, my solid brother Gary, who cared for her in final days in London, Ontario, told me a story. After her operation, she was left with a colostomy bag which she had to empty. It was a difficult miserable existence for Vera who by then was only 85 pounds. She soldiered on, of course; it's how women in our family are built. She got out of bed one night and walked into the hospital bathroom to empty her bag and it broke. There was shit everywhere. An orderly came in, cleaned her up, looked at her chart and said: "Boy, you...

PGX is a weird and wonderful concoction. You've probably heard about it especially if you are a devotee of programs like The Biggest Loser. Essentially, PGX is a form of natural fibre. When taken in shakes, capsules or powder forms, it expands in your stomach making you feel full. You can take it as a drink, swallow the caps or sprinkle it into your soups or on your cereal. It is not a liquid diet and it is all natural, not like diet pills and many of the dangerous supplements out there. It's meant to provide a natural and sensible support for your weight loss or maintenance regime. This makes good sense. Remember when Oprah Winfrey lost all that weight and smugly carted out a hundred pounds of lard in a wheel barrow? Oprah was at her skinniest when she was on a liquid diet. Trouble was, once she was exposed to mac and cheese washed down by Moscow Mules she quickly gained back her weight and doubled it. Healthy people should not be on liquid diets. My mom was on on...

I couldn't have picked a better week to do a juice cleanse. It's hot as a whore out there, so who wants to turn on the stove? In fact, I'm using my stove as my juicing station now. It's also nice not to have to think about what's for dinner. You know what's for dinner, lunch and breakfast. I bought this Breville Juicer about three years ago and I used it, like, twice. Now I'm cranking out my entire week's worth of eats in it. I can make an entire day's worth of juice in about half an hour. I thought juicing was going to be expensive, but it turns out that I can do it for less than ten bucks a day if I go Farm Boy and buy my apples, oranges and peppers in the discount bin. What does it matter if the skin is a little bruised? It's going to be pulverized anyway. The worst thing about a juice fast is what comes out the other end, especially after a beet juice session. Not for the faint of heart. But energy. I feel like Bradley Cooper in ...

I'm proud of getting off the blood pressure medication. But it also has had a negative side effect. Since losing the BPM, I've gained 10 pounds. The reason is simple. If you have BPM, you have to take water pills. Water pills significantly reduce the bloat. Now I'm up two pant sizes. So it's back to the drawing board. I've been sweatin' to CNN daily for years now, but all that gym activity has done absolutely nothing to reduce my weight. Truth be told, the gym has made me heavier. It's also given me a Kim Kardashian tussie. Now I don't mind the bubble butt. For years, I've prayed for even a little piece of ass. Genetically, a bubble butt was never in the cards. I come from a long line of flat asses. Genetically, I also come from a line of women blessed with spare tires. It's like wearing a belt of unleavened bread. So I have been looking for a solution. I was watching Dr. Oz last week, and he did a week of shows about cleanses desi...

I was noodling around the Menopause Canada website, and decided to calculate my Body Mass Index. It was 32, which is still fat, but a lot less fat than the 36 where I started out. By the way, I challenge the BMI because you calculate it based on your height and weight and it doesn't take into account that I have at least 10 pounds of boob weight, which I didn't ask for, unlike Anna Nicole Smith who is pictured above. Oh well, at least I know I'm making progress thanks to two years of personal straining at the Athletic Club in Trainyards and those magical diuretics Dr. Ben prescribed me along with my blood pressure medication. Speaking of blood pressure meds, I found out this week that I am not supposed to eat grapefruit while on them. And according to Doctor Oz, who is the expert on everything, I'm not supposed to take Ibuprofen either. What a shock. Grapefruit and Advil are among my favorite substances. Along with tequila, which I've decided it's time...