Rose's Cantina

Speaking of fat asses , Scott forced me out of my comfort zone yesterday to buy a pair of pants. Most girls would get up on their stilettos and go "yee-haw", but not me. I hate shopping for clothes. Hate, I'm saying hate. I hate shopping for clothes the way my daughter hates asparagus. Don't make me. Shop, that is. It's vomit inducing. I hate shopping the way a cow might hate branding. Or a bug might hate being squashed under the boot of an insensitive unthinking pedestrian. The thing is, last year, I threw out all my fat pants because I'd lost ten pounds and had kept it off for months. That was back when I was on blood pressure meds and water pills. Now my BP is fine but I've whaled up again and no matter how much rowing and bopping on the elliptical I do, I can't shrink the muffin top. It feels awful and looks worse, like you're wearing a reverse girdle or a lifesaver around the middle. So I've taken to wearing yoga pants nearly ev...

I'm proud of getting off the blood pressure medication. But it also has had a negative side effect. Since losing the BPM, I've gained 10 pounds. The reason is simple. If you have BPM, you have to take water pills. Water pills significantly reduce the bloat. Now I'm up two pant sizes. So it's back to the drawing board. I've been sweatin' to CNN daily for years now, but all that gym activity has done absolutely nothing to reduce my weight. Truth be told, the gym has made me heavier. It's also given me a Kim Kardashian tussie. Now I don't mind the bubble butt. For years, I've prayed for even a little piece of ass. Genetically, a bubble butt was never in the cards. I come from a long line of flat asses. Genetically, I also come from a line of women blessed with spare tires. It's like wearing a belt of unleavened bread. So I have been looking for a solution. I was watching Dr. Oz last week, and he did a week of shows about cleanses desi...