Harper and Obama: The hockey nerd and the baller

It seems our prime minister is faltering in his quest for world domination.

Sure, he and Barry O'bama were all smiles for the photo ops. But when they got down and dirty at APEC, Barry showed Steve-o the hand.

He might even have farted in his general direction.

Not much of a bromance when you come right down to it.

Harper seems not to understand how little Canada means to the rest of the world.

Except for our comedy.

And our music.

And even in those arenas, the Brits are gaining on us.

Goodbye SCTV, Hello, The Office.

Goodbye David Foster. Hello Simon Cowell.

About the only things Americans respect us for are our cheap drugs and our looney-tune acrobats.

And Lorne Michaels.

Anyway.

Steve-o should take some tips from former prime ministers to improve our influence south of the border.

The Yanks hated Trudeau. But damn it, they respected him.

He shunned Reagan, but he dated Barbra Streisand.

He was too cool.

And left them wanting more.

Mulroney took Canada-U.S. relations to a new level. He understood how to talk to Americans. After all, wasn't Mulroney's job before being PM to shut down Canadian plants on behalf of the big Bad Americans?

He loved that shit.

Mulroney wasn't afraid to sing When Irish Eyes were Miiling with Reagan. Nancy and Mila traded designer tips.

All Laureen Harper has managed to do is show Michelle Obama how to sew moccasions and put together birch bark canoes with a glue gun.

Chretien played golf with Clinton.

And did one arm push ups.

Presidents didn't mess with Chretien.

Harper might have hoped Barry would jam with him.

But Barry's a real dude.

He plays basketball.

Imagine Steve-o on the basketball court with Obama.

Well, at least Harper comes with his own ball! Too many Cokes and cookies if you know what I's saying.

Harper has no rapport with Obama. He's not cool. He's not athletic. He's a hockey nerd who can't skate. He writes books about hockey.

The only thing Harper had going for him was Michaelle Jean.

And he replaced her with a guy who looks like John McCain.

So no wonder Obama's giving him the symbolic finger on the Jellystone Pipeline.

Canada can't win on that count.

Obama doesn't want to offend his celebrity friends who have all come out against the Jellystone Pipeline. Like Julia Louis-Dreyfuss. And Daryl Hannah.

Perhaps Oprah.

We have no celebrities shilling for the pipeline. None.

If Harper could just get The Bieber to hold up a sign.

Or spray Obama with cologne.

Arrange a date with Beiber and Sasha.

(Don't forget the protection!)

Unfortunately, Harper has no celebrity friends.

Not even Steven Page.

There's not a Barenaked Lady out there to support him.

Also, Harper needs a makeover.

Get rid of the glasses and the hair spray.

Lose fifty pounds.

Date a super model.

Something.

The good news for Harper is that Obama is tanking. He may not make a second term.

So Harper could use his back up plan.

Hope the Republicans can find a candidate who can keep it in his pants long enough to run for chief dog catcher.

It's his only hope.

Ashley Simpson: Don't Let Her Die in Vain

Six years ago, I was combing through my Facebook and I saw post from my cousin Julie Major. Her brother and his wife were frantically looking for their daughter Ashley who just days before had Facetimed her mom saying she was planning to return to her home in Niagara. Ashley never made it home. She was murdered in cold blood in her home in Salmon Arm then buried in a nearby field. It would be five and a half years before her body was located, and her boyfriend was charged with second degree murder. Today, Ashley's urn has a sacred spot in her parents' home, and Derek Favell is in jail awaiting trial by judge and jury. The trial is expected to go into next year sometime. This has been an agonizing journey for Ashley's friends and family. The pain has never stopped, and the wounds are broken open every time the family has to sit through a series of pre-trial proceedings. Fortunately, this ordeal will end but the pain will never wane for the people, including me, who have b...

Ashley Simpson: A Father Remembers

I have asked Ashley Simpson's family and friends to give us a glimpse into the life she lived before going missing nearly a month ago. Here is how her father John remembers his sweet girl. Ashley was a treat when she came into this world, a smashing 9lbs 8 ounces with a head full of hair and nails that needed to be clipped. She has made many friends in her journey of life and continues to make them as we speak. She has made this world a better place by her love of mankind and this place we call Earth; unfortunately this life she has lived hasn't been the best for her. She has suffered through unbearable pain and suffering through her menstrual cycles. She has cysts on her ovaries that make those 10 days a living hell. She had one of her ovaries removed when she was just 14; the other they won't take out till she is 40 or older. Years of hell for my Ashley. I so feel her pain every month but she doesn't quit, doesn't give in. That'...

What Bell isn't telling you about Fibe TV

Update: This week, we switched back to Rogers after spending far too long using Bell's crappy television service. For those with Bell, read and weep. For those considering Bell, think twice even if you hate Rogers. RS I've always been an early technology adapter. I had a Betamax. That tells you everything (if you're over 50 at least). My first computer was a "Portable". It weighed 40 pounds and I had to lug it around town on a gurney. I've been through probably 15 computers in my lifetime. Apple is the best. It's also too expensive so I have a piece of shit HP, the one I'm writing this blog on. I've had cable, internet and now Netflix. American Netflix . That's how far ahead of the curve I am. I get all the newspapers for free. How? I disabled my cookies so they can't track me when I'm on the newspaper sites. Even the New York Times hasn't cottoned on to that trick. Hahaha. That will be a fifty buck consulting fee. Bein...

Rose's Cantina

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