The Castaways with Bell Fibe

 

A few weeks ago, our Bell PVR started acting up and refused to cooperate with our Sony Bravia Smart television. We kept getting error messages with a code that said, "Obviously, the television thinks it's smarter than us so it won't talk to us".

I called Bell a few times and the calls went like this.

"Try unplugging the modem."

I already tried that.

"Unplug the television."

Yup, did it.

"Smack it with the back of your hand."

Okay, the last thing the agent didn't say, but she might as well have.

So we ordered a new PVR and waited a week and a half for it to arrive. It didn't work, either.

"Maybe it's your television."

Shut up. 

This is a brand new television.

I was so fed up I told Scott I was calling to cancel our Cadillac service on Bell. We've been with the carrier for years now after punting Rogers for its ridiculous call service training which basically instructs university students and recent immigrants to lie to customers.

We got a Firestick, and it worked all right but I wanted my traditional channels. Call me old fashioned. I want to know if the government falls, or if we are in Stage Apocalypse of the pandemic.

So I called Bell again. One last time. On my one last nerve. I was immediately transferred to customer retention where a nice young man offered me my service half price, and his first born child, if I would try its spanking new service that allows the customer to cast programs from their phones to the television.

Cool, I thought, wondering why that option hadn't been offered earlier.

We humped the PVR up the street to Purolator -- Bell no longer picks up your PVR and you can't take it to a Bell store, anymore -- and we prepared for a new experience in television watching.

We added all our favorites to our Bell Fibe app then downloaded apps for channels we like to watch like Crave (free for a year because of the Bell cockup) and Prime (free considering how much I order on Amazon) and Apple (free because we got new phones this year), and prepared to be amazed.

Such a disappointment. If you are "casting" you virtually have to babysit your television lest you see the screen above. If you leave the room and go to the bathroom, you have to reload, and often it won't let you reload the same show.

Yesterday, I was surfing Facebook, and I pressed on a video of my granddaughter as Princess Batman, and all of a sudden the Facebook video came up on the screen instead of Wolf Blitzer. I thought Mark Zuckerberg has really done it now!

But it wasn't Mark's fault, or Justin Trudeau's fault, either. 

It was Bell's fault. 

If I even accidentally touch a video, it replaces what I'm watching, and then I have to go back and reload my show. OMG, it's a nightmare.

Listen, I don't need this problem when I'm trying to escape my pandemic depression. I need love.

And my television has stopped loving me. 

The other day, I accidentally cast Stephen Colbert when he was interviewing Jorja Fox on my phone, and I found out that CSI was being rebooted as CSI Vegas. So I went looking for the show on my newly downloaded Global TV app. There it was. I was so excited, because like most old folks, I love procedurals -- and the addictive blue light in the crime lab.

Last night, Scott and I settled down after supper to bingewatch Vegas. I flipped on the app, loaded up Season 1 and settled the pug on my lap. I pressed play and saw a Desjardins insurance commercial at the top. Hey! No big deal, right?

Then I watched the first segment, and the app stopped and showed me the screen above. I reloaded it and it took me back to the Desjardins insurance commercial and the beginning of the show again. Holy shit! This was awful.

"Turn it off," Scott said. "I don't want to think about insurance right now. I'm going to have nightmares."

I continued to persevere. I soon realized that I had to go to the bottom of the screen every time there was a commercial break, and move the cursor passed a little dot that indicated commercial. I had to do this for every segment. If I miscued it, it would go right back to that damned Desjardins commercial and we had to watch it over again.

It was like insurance ground hog day. 

The whole experience reminded me of playing a video game that requires the player to go back to the beginning if her hero gets killed. 

Gil Grissom died many deaths last night, my friends, many deaths. And the pug has a dent in her fur from me pounding the damn iPhone on her back. 

What I learned the hard way is that Bell Fibe's new casting service is not ready for Prime Time. 

We are clearly paying Bell to be Beta users or guinea pigs, in layman's terms. 

 I'm not sure I like it.

I still have PTSD from rabbit ears.