Hey Americans! Forget Canada

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Dear American Citizens:

We are writing to let you know that we are truly sorry for what you may be about to do -- turn your class bully into class president. The guy is going to give you all a collective wedgie.

Now, we're all hoping that common sense prevails, and the people of the United States elect Hillary Clinton or better yet Bernie Sanders.

But that might not happen because there are too many people walking your streets, and hunting in your hills, who believe America will be stronger with a guy who resembles a Stephen King character.

Soon, you will be forced to sleep on Trump mattresses and gamble your life's savings at casinos on every block. You will have to do all the heavy lifting because you can't count on immigrants to do your dirty work.

Donald Trump will build an impenetrable wall that not even you will be able to traverse. So act soon.
I suggest moving to an island in the stream where if you buy some land, you don't pay taxes.

Bermuda. Bermuda would be nice.

But please, heed this warning.

Unless you are highly educated or have a trust fund that you are willing to share with the people of the Great White North, forget about Canada. Go sell crazy someplace else, we're all stocked up.

It's not that we don't like Americans, we do. We love American movie companies that come up here to make Academy Award winning movies, employee countless unionized extras and half-witted dubious Canadian celebrities, then leave. We like American tourists for the same reason. And we simply adore our American Facebook friends if for no other reason that we can say, "Happy Thanksgiving to our American friends."

But that's where it ends.

Why? Because there are just too many factors working against you.

You have to have money to move here. Unless you can make the case for refugee status, Canada won't take you unless you apply as an economic immigrant. Even then, when the Vietnamese boat people arrived here in 1979, the majority were doctors, engineers and accountants. We may say we take everybody, but that's pretty much bullshit.

We simply don't have the room to spare. You may think we have lots of land up here but the truth is all the good land is taken. In Vancouver, for example, the land and houses have been already taken by Asians who spend their days speculating, thus, driving up the prices. Ditto for places like Banff and Jasper. A decent house in a major market will cost you millions in cash.

If you haven't already bought land here, you will find yourself cobbling together houses that will be felled by mud slides, floods and snow dumps. (And your flesh will be eaten by black flies and mosquitos the size of Standard poodles.)

You are used to affordable housing. Ours is not affordable, not even for us.

Our taxes are too high. Somebody has got to pay for second rate health care, and that's the taxpayer. In some provinces, like Ontario, there is even a health care levy to be paid by richer folk. So if you have money, the government will take it off you.

Canadians are miserable people. We don't have guns here, so we kill people with snark. Remember, Canada is the nation that grew Lorne Michaels and Seth Rogen.  We are a nation of complainers. We complain about the weather. We complain that our coffee is too cold -- even when it's hot enough to fry Kramer's junk. Twenty minutes with a Canadian, and you want to kill yourself.

We will resent you because we secretly want what you have. For the most part, Canadians want to be Americans. We envy the hell out of Americans for their happy dispositions and patriotism. Our government (seriously) did a study in the 1970's to identify Canadian symbols that generated national pride, and all we could come up with was hockey, and then only if our teams won.

Don't come here if you want to work in government. Unless you spent your formative years studying at the Sorbonne, you can't work for government. French is the language of our national government. If you can't speak, read or write it fluently, you'll have to work at Walmart.

People will punch you if you make fun of our collective accent. We don't have one. Just like America, people across our land speak differently. The accent you're thinking about is the Newfoundland accent, and that's because it's the only one you'll hear on our national broadcaster.

Mention Rob Ford, and you'll die.

By all means come to Canada if you are retired, or have money to start a business that doesn't involve the oil sands but pays high wages. Most Canadians today are working at dead end jobs and would be happy to find an employer who pays a living wage. But don't be surprised to hear that you have to pay people over 11 bucks an hour for a "want Fries with that" job. Why do you think Target headed for the hills?

Sure, come on up, we'll take your money.

Just don't take what's left of our jobs.

If you need a place to stay, no problem. We'll soon have a Trump Towers on every corner here, too.