I'm a Little Pee Pot

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I saw something on the Ottawa news yesterday, something that blew me away.

There is an Ottawa clinic that is now offering something called FemiLift, and it's basically a vaginal lift that uses a laser to address three areas of concern for women: vaginal laxity (which occurs after childbirth), stress-induced urinary incontinence and dryness.

That's according to Dr. Sharyn Laughlin, a dermatologist who works for Laserderm. It's also believed to increase sensation, she says, though that is not the main reason for its use.

This could be the magic bullet for a lot of women who pee themselves when they bounce, laugh or even walk. During my worst years, through perimenopause, I used to have to wear a pad the size of a bicycle seat just to walk down the street. When I went to the doctor, I was told to do those useless Kegel exercises which basically have you holding your pee while on the toilet.

That never worked for me. I tried everything short of sewing myself up like a trussed chicken. I even got Scott to make me a set of homemade weights that comprised a clean Kinder chocolate egg, pennies and fishing wire, all wrapped in a condom.

Even that didn't work. I just felt silly. And I didn't realize it, but safes aren't cheap!

So this procedure, which involves laser tightening of the vag area, is a dream come true for me. And I know I'm not alone.

There are 3.5 million people, by conservative estimates, that live with urinary incontinence alone in Canada. According to Jacqueline Cahill, Executive Director of  the Canadian Continence Foundation, people with incontinence face embarrassment and social stigma, negatively impacting their quality of life and potentially leading to depression and feelings of isolation. 

It's most common in women over 50 years of age, but it can also affect younger people, especially women who have just given birth.

Yah think? Poise is making a killing selling disposable underwears to women who should still be able to rock a thong.

Ah but here's the rub.

The procedure that's being offered will cost $5,000 Canadian (50 cents US) a little less than half what it's going to cost me to get my boob job. My boob job will take four hours, not counting recovery, requires a plastic surgeon, a fully serviced operating room, an anesthetist and so on and so on. This procedure is done by a registered nurse and takes 10 minutes, three or four times.

Seems a bit steep, don't you think?

It made me think.

This procedure is considered cosmetic in nature. You get it done where you get your eyelift and wrinkle cream. But in my mind, it is something that could impact the very lives of women who are suffering, often in silence.

They can't play tennis, or wear certain colors. They smell bad if they don't wear unsightly scented pads. They even have to avoid beer pong.

Thus, incontinence is a disability, just as it is a disability for someone to have an over-sized pair of hooters.

Unless I'm missing something.

If this procedure works, shouldn't it be made available for all women in Ontario as part of our universal medical insurance program? It would definitely be less costly than any kind of surgical procedure. And it would save me a fortune on imported chocolate products.

Alas, like dental surgery and high grade pharmaceuticals, vag tightening is out of reach for those of us who can't afford high end automobiles and vacations in Maui.

It's only available to  those with gold-plated vaginas.

This seems very unfair, so unBernie-like, so unJustin. Women everywhere should be guaranteed working vaginas.

I'm sure if a simple procedure like this one cured erectile dysfunction, or penis drip, it would be put on the books as fast as you can say I'm a little Pee Pot.

More the pee-soaked pity.