Skip to main content

Cauliflower is Nine Bucks, So Eat What You Bloody Want







There was a disturbing, screaming, headline on Facebook today that brought shudders to the shoulders of dieters everywhere.

"Cauliflower is $8.99 today due to weather conditions in California."

A ripple of discontent went through Farm Boy as tiny Asian men gingerly piled the caulie on high with managers hoping that their stock of the ear-shaped vegetable would not sit there like so much tinsel on a Christmas tree.

To their surprise, the cauliflower flew off the shelves.

Of course, it did.

You see cauliflower is a dieter's staple along with kale which ridiculous people turn into "chips" which apparently are delicious. These righteous people also say the same thing about putting marinara sauce on a spaghetti squash.

"Delicious! Tastes just like real spaghetti!"

Yeah, only if real spaghetti tasted like ass.

A lot of moms out there have abandoned the lowly potato in favor of mashed caulie. They lace it with butter and cream because fat is a recommended requirement these days, and they try to pass it off as whipped potatoes. The kids squirm in their chairs because it pretty much tastes like the cauliflower my mom used to make which was soggy and had the distinct taste of sulphur. We'd eat it, or get whipped like the caulie, which is why I hardly ever eat mashed caulie-- unless I'm trying to fit into my high school prom dress.

Caulie gives me nightmares. It's a passive aggressive vegetable.

I think the fix is in for cauliflower. I think the Mob is so worried that Justin Trudeau is going to legalize pot that they've put their futures in the diet market, and cauliflower in particular.

Did you notice when kale first became the rage? Nobody used to buy it because it is lousy tasting and has the consistency of a balloon. But then Dr. Oz and his pals told us to eat it because it was a diet wunderkind with nearly zero calories, about the same as toilet paper.

I'm always try to trim my ass, so I tried kale and hated it. Then I was instructed by Dr. Oz's daughter Daphne to rub it down with olive oil and let it sit for several hours. This trick indeed works for the reason slow cooking a cheap cut of beef works. Put another way, it works like ridding yourself of a hangover. Time heals all things, even kale.

Anyway, kale became "a thing" and suddenly its price tripled. Then some vegan entrepreneurs started making store bought kale chips because the homemade ones tasted like seaweed. They sold the kale chips to the fools who shop at Whole Foods for $29.

Kale became gourmet. Like fish eggs and truffles.

It was on trend.

Women are idiots for falling for price fixing on vegetables. We are so damned gullible, we buy anything that promises the deflate our spare tires, including Skinny Girl margaritas for six times the price. Word! Alcohol is alcohol. Same volume, same calories.

Splenda!

Because we are forever dieting, in other words, we'll eat or drink anything -- don't get me started on green drinks that taste like mouse vomit -- and pay anything for it if it trims the pounds. But guess what? It doesn't. I ate cauliflower for months as mashed or as soup and I didn't lose a blessed pound. I just got depressed and ate ice cream.

So I gave up. Sometimes I eat cauliflower because I feel like eating cauliflower but not as a substitute for potatoes. There is nothing that is a substitute for potatoes which are delicious and can now be purchased at Loblaws -- three bags for five bucks.

That's a lot of bleeding potatoes.

A wise woman named Nora Ephron once said, "I never want to be on my death bed thinking I should have had that extra piece of chocolate cake."

I'm with you, Nora.

Give us bad carbs, sugar, the whole shebang and worry about the price of cauliflower in the New Year. Bad carbs are cheap. They are delicious. And if you indulge, there's always a solution -- buy a bigger pair of ladypants!

Let's give the finger to the man, this Christmas.

It may not be good for our waistlines, but it will be good for our collective mental health.







Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Ashley Simpson: Don't Let Her Die in Vain

  Six years ago, I was combing through my Facebook and I saw post from my cousin Julie Major. Her brother and his wife were frantically looking for their daughter Ashley who just days before had Facetimed her mom saying she was planning to return to her home in Niagara. Ashley never made it home. She was murdered in cold blood in her home in Salmon Arm then buried in a nearby field. It would be five and a half years before her body was located, and her boyfriend was charged with second degree murder.  Today, Ashley's urn has a sacred spot in her parents' home, and Derek Favell is in jail awaiting trial by judge and jury. The trial is expected to go into next year sometime. This has been an agonizing journey for Ashley's friends and family. The pain has never stopped, and the wounds are broken open every time the family has to sit through a series of pre-trial proceedings. Fortunately, this ordeal will end but the pain will never wane for the people, including me, who have b...

Ashley Simpson: A Father Remembers

I have asked Ashley Simpson's family and friends to give us a glimpse into the life she lived before going missing nearly a month ago. Here is how her father John remembers his sweet girl. Ashley was a treat when she came into this world, a smashing 9lbs 8 ounces with a  head full of hair and nails that needed to be clipped. She has made many friends in her journey of life and continues to make them as we speak. She has made this world a better place by her love of mankind and this place we call Earth; unfortunately this life she has lived hasn't been the best for her. She has suffered through unbearable pain and suffering through her menstrual cycles. She has cysts on her ovaries that make those 10 days a living hell. She had one of her ovaries removed when she was just 14; the other they won't take out till she is 40 or older. Years of hell for my Ashley. I so feel her pain every month but she doesn't quit, doesn't give in.   That'...

What Bell isn't telling you about Fibe TV

Update: This week, we switched back to Rogers after spending far too long using Bell's crappy television service. For those with Bell, read and weep. For those considering Bell, think twice even if you hate Rogers. RS I've always been an early technology adapter. I had a Betamax. That tells you everything (if you're over 50 at least). My first computer was a "Portable". It weighed 40 pounds and I had to lug it around town on a gurney. I've been through probably 15 computers in my lifetime. Apple is the best. It's also too expensive so I have a piece of shit HP, the one I'm writing this blog on. I've had cable, internet and now Netflix. American Netflix . That's how far ahead of the curve I am. I get all the newspapers for free. How? I disabled my cookies so they can't track me when I'm on the newspaper sites. Even the New York Times hasn't cottoned on to that trick. Hahaha. That will be a fifty buck consulting fee. Bein...