Still Life as a Freelance Writer

5:30 a.m. Awake with a start realizing that you're on deadline in France. Hobble out of bed, let the dogs out, put the kettle on.

7:00: Four web stories written. Mission accomplished.

7:15: Push button to send invoice.

7:30: Off to gym. Then to Farmboy to pick up kale and carrots for juice.

8:00: Head ache. Back home to feed the dogs.

8:30: Peck the husband on the cheek. Send him off to sell cheap cars to sacked public servants with severance.

9:00: Check Facebook, Twitter, newspapers, look for fodder for the blog.

9:03: Score! Rob and Doug Ford. This shit literally writes itself.

9:15: Blog finished.

9:30: Juice and three egg omelette

10:00: Check email. Nemesis in France is fired because, to quote her words, "everybody hates her and thinks she's evil". Think to oneself: God has answered prayer. Send the Holy Spirit a high five.

10:05: Send condolences. Secretly hope she drops off the Eiffel Tower.

10:10: Note to newest boss. We will have a bright future together; here's how we do it!

10:30: Check the mail. No money. Check the bank account. No money transfers.

11:00: Count change for pilgrimmage for dog food.

11:30: Lunch! Juice and left over hamburger. :( Feeling passive aggressive.

Noon: Nap time.

2:00. Dr. Oz.

2:30: Ice cream!

3:00: Arrested Development marathon begins.

6:00 Dinner. Roast chicken. Bean salad.

6:15: Martini, five olives.

6:30: Arrested Development marathon continues.

11:00: Let out the hounds. Bedtime.

11:15: Dreams of Mike Duffy. Not pretty.

11:30: REM

5:30 a.m. Start all over again.

Stunt freelance writer. Don't try this at home.

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