New Year's: I resolve

Dear Lord:

That's right, I'm talking to you. I tried talking to your son last year, but I guess he decided to spend New Year's Eve with Ryan Seacrest.
I've been thinking about my resolutions, those pesky things that none of us can ever keep. But being an optimist, I resolve to keep them this year.

To wit, I resolve:

To stop breaking things. In 2012, I broke my really expensive coffee maker, my Ekornes leather chair which came all the way from Denmark, my tooth, my car, my foot, my heart. And I think, maybe, I might have broke my liver.
To stop drinking red wine after dinner. Yeah, right. Let's just say, I'll do the best I can.
To get off the damned blood pressure medication which, as far as I can determine, just makes me feel anxious about my blood pressure.
To get a full time job that will allow me to enter the bank and have them not laugh at me when I present my meagre paycheques.
To stop using MoneyMart. See previous resolutions.
To collect back money owed to me by eldest son so I can pay youngest son.
To drop twenty more pounds right around the middle.
To never, ever, eat bad carbs except when absolutely necessary, which means I will now do my own cooking.
To get a boob job.
To outlive the rest of my press club friends.
To finally discover why I'm here, other than to take up valuable oxygen, water and toilet paper.

Thank you.

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