Rosie Tits

The Huffington Post is reporting today that most women with big breasts hate them. This may come as a surprise to men, who love them.

Please, dudes, let me school you.

Despite what the creator of Mad Men implies, women with big boobs generally do not get ahead at the office. Well, that's not true. Women with big boobs get ahead if they are fat, mean and unattractive. Attractive women just get cornered in the stairwell by the boss after a long lunch.

When I was growing up in journalism, I was teased mercilessly. One photographer used to call me Rosie Tits. I hope he died a very long and painful death from prostate cancer.

A woman with big boobs is never taken seriously. She spends much of her time craning her neck to see the eyes of men who NEVER look her in the eye. And I swear, most men don't realize they are staring at a woman's rack. Or they don't care.

Big boobs mean you can never wear a nice swimsuit, tank top or a halter. You can't wear many kinds of fabric either because it clings or shows off your nipples -- which are the size of Tollhouse cookies.  If you buy a top in the right size, a size that fits you properly and doesn't strain the buttons, it will bag in the midriff making you look like you are pregnant.

There is nothing cute about big tits. Nothing.

Not on cows. Not on women.

Big boobs cause myriad back and neck problems. You chafe under the bandline. You develop skin tags in your arm pits. If you do manage to lose weight, you have to deal with sagginess. If you get a breast reduction, they grow back if you gain weight.

You don't see many big boobed athletes, either. The big breasted jock can hide, but she can't run.

I used to put up with the smart remarks and the sexist jokes. Not anymore. Now I threaten physical harm to the commentator's nether regions.

That is all I have to say on the subject. No comments please. Read the line above.