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To my husband on his 14th birthday


Scott turns 14 tomorrow.

He doesn't look a day over 45.

He's pretty big for his age, standing six foot two and he can drink any 16 year old under the table. And he has a lot of experience in other areas we won't get into.

Scott was born on Leap Day, induced by a chain smoking, hard living family doctor who wanted to get away for a golfing vacay a few days early. He was born in the deep chill of St. Boniface, Manitoba to Margaret and Warner Troyer, the second son of, oh, thousands.

It's always delighted Scott that he had a special birthday, one that only comes around every four years, so I'm feeling the need to plan something special for the occasion. Sure on Friday, there'll be much beer drinking, oh yes there will, when we gather at Liam McGuire's with some friendly faces.

But tomorrow, we must plan something unique, in line with his official status as 14-year-old. Here's what I'm thinking.

9 a.m. Breakfast at McDonald's, something McGriddled and greasy. Sorry, Scott you're too old for a Happy Meal; you'll have to settle for something manly with sodium levels to rattle the bones of the folks at the Heart and Stroke Foundation.

10 a.m. Chill in front of the Quickie next door. Try to find an adult to buy us smokes, which we will then share with all the other 14-year-olds standing out in front. Maybe a couple of 11-year-olds.

11:30 Go over the Hillcrest High School to score some weed. Man, are we gonna get wasted!

12 p.m. Troll the mall, skateboard a bit, litter, then try to score some hooch at the LCBO. Get chased down the street by Andre, the LCBO giant.

Shit.

12:30 Lunch at Pizza Pizza. A coupla slices and some hot wings.

1 p.m. Back to the LCBO where Scott, on a dare, goes in to buy beer. Andre looks at him and doesn't even card him!

1:12 p.m. Lining up at Laserquest with Stef, Nick and the gang. We were thinking paint ball but Scott would have to explain why he had gigantic bruises all over his face when he goes back to work.

4 p.m. KFC, I'm thinking something with the phrase "extreme termination" in it. Slide on over to Taco Bell for tacos for dessert.

Me quiero Taco Bell!

5 p.m. A road trip to EB Games to find the latest and goriest video game in existence, which also involves girls with cone shaped hooters. Something with extreme termination in the title.

5:30 p.m. Chillin' in front of the PS3, leftover pizza, a few brew and a couple of splifs.

6 p.m. Scott passes out in the Lazy Boy, controller still in hand.

Midnight. Scott wakes up to save the world all over again.

I think this is going to be the 14th birthday, ever!

Even better than four years ago when I threw him a Bar Mitzvah.
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Comments

  1. Lynn2 March 2012 at 13:24

    Hilarious! Hope you all had a happy February 29th.

    ReplyDelete

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