2012: Less sloven, more lovin'

I was eating my high fibre toast, just now, when it took a slice out of my palate. Yowzah.

Damned cracked wheat. You can never trust it.

I'm always getting wounded by food.

Coffee scalds my mouth. Soup goes up my nose. A piece of wayward chicken misses the esophagus and ends up in my windpipe.

And then I sneeze for twenty minutes straight.

And, I am a bad swallower.

I would never have made a skilled porn star.

So I'm rolling my tongue over the afflicted area, tasting a bit of blood and a little skin flap that may be with me until 2013.

It makes me realize the importance of being in the moment, of paying attention to your life.

I've spent most of my life in total distraction. Drank too much. Slept too much. Watched too much television.

I was a pioneer in the art of living in the unconscious state.

Couch surfing? I invented it.

Time wasting? Got the t-shirt and DVD rights.

For most of my life, I figured, I had it made. I never had to go to work. I was never far from the fridge or microwave. And I spent less than $25 on my annual wardrobe.

But there's a price that comes with professional sloth.

I'm poor, for one. I'm fat, for two. I'm friendless, for three.

And I'm starting to smell. Really badly.

Well, that's not exactly true, but perception is everything, isn't it?

Ah, the life of an artist.

The worst part is that I've gained an extra 50 pounds of sloth.

The weight just crept up on me while I was playing Zelda. A few pounds at first, then ten or twelve in the latter years.

By the beginning of 2011, I resembled The Monster Cheese Who Ate Lake Louise.

I loved that book.

It's taken me nearly a year to slough off a quarter inch of it. As I said to Scott today, I didn't realize how much weight I'd gained until I tried to lose it.

Can't wait until KTel starts sellling abdominal vacuum cleaners.

Just plug it into your belly button and it sucks the juice right out. Be mindful of your organs, now!

And if you buy two Belly Suckers, we'll throw in a lathe for your thighs and a turkey baster to plump out those wrinkles -- absolutely free!

If only.

Losing weight has been the battle of my life. I'm Flash Gordon and my omentum is the Evil Emperor Ming.

Scott to Rose: Rose I love you, but you only have one hour to save your life.

Sorry, I was listening to Queen at the gym. See how distracted I get?

Well, at least I've made a start. I'm eating the damned high fibre bread with cracked wheat and almond butter. I'm cutting back on my alcohol consumption -- after I've finished the bag of wine in the fridge.

Okay. I'll do my best.

I can say that I've embrace exercise over the past year. It hasn't been easy. All of my appendages fought against it -- especially my boobs.

But I did it.

I FINALLY KEPT ONE NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTION.

I've been going to the gym nearly every day. In fact, I've only missed about 15 days in a whole year!

Ta da.

So in 2012, I'm pledging more of the same.

Less distraction, more action.

Less drinking, more thinking.

Less sloven, more lovin'.

Gettin' carried away again. I know.

But you get the picha.

See you in 2012.

I'll be at the gymnasty tomorrow. What will you be doing?

Ashley Simpson: Don't Let Her Die in Vain

Six years ago, I was combing through my Facebook and I saw post from my cousin Julie Major. Her brother and his wife were frantically looking for their daughter Ashley who just days before had Facetimed her mom saying she was planning to return to her home in Niagara. Ashley never made it home. She was murdered in cold blood in her home in Salmon Arm then buried in a nearby field. It would be five and a half years before her body was located, and her boyfriend was charged with second degree murder. Today, Ashley's urn has a sacred spot in her parents' home, and Derek Favell is in jail awaiting trial by judge and jury. The trial is expected to go into next year sometime. This has been an agonizing journey for Ashley's friends and family. The pain has never stopped, and the wounds are broken open every time the family has to sit through a series of pre-trial proceedings. Fortunately, this ordeal will end but the pain will never wane for the people, including me, who have b...

Ashley Simpson: A Father Remembers

I have asked Ashley Simpson's family and friends to give us a glimpse into the life she lived before going missing nearly a month ago. Here is how her father John remembers his sweet girl. Ashley was a treat when she came into this world, a smashing 9lbs 8 ounces with a head full of hair and nails that needed to be clipped. She has made many friends in her journey of life and continues to make them as we speak. She has made this world a better place by her love of mankind and this place we call Earth; unfortunately this life she has lived hasn't been the best for her. She has suffered through unbearable pain and suffering through her menstrual cycles. She has cysts on her ovaries that make those 10 days a living hell. She had one of her ovaries removed when she was just 14; the other they won't take out till she is 40 or older. Years of hell for my Ashley. I so feel her pain every month but she doesn't quit, doesn't give in. That'...

What Bell isn't telling you about Fibe TV

Update: This week, we switched back to Rogers after spending far too long using Bell's crappy television service. For those with Bell, read and weep. For those considering Bell, think twice even if you hate Rogers. RS I've always been an early technology adapter. I had a Betamax. That tells you everything (if you're over 50 at least). My first computer was a "Portable". It weighed 40 pounds and I had to lug it around town on a gurney. I've been through probably 15 computers in my lifetime. Apple is the best. It's also too expensive so I have a piece of shit HP, the one I'm writing this blog on. I've had cable, internet and now Netflix. American Netflix . That's how far ahead of the curve I am. I get all the newspapers for free. How? I disabled my cookies so they can't track me when I'm on the newspaper sites. Even the New York Times hasn't cottoned on to that trick. Hahaha. That will be a fifty buck consulting fee. Bein...

Rose's Cantina

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