2011: Doucebag of the year

I was struck today by a story in the Globe and Mail about a thief who cleaned out a little old lady, taking her television, her computer and her husband's ashes. Apparently, there have been three such ash robberies in Vancouver in the past few weeks.

The douche bag who did this is right up there with criminals who steal from the Salvation Army and the dude who took hostage the widow of a recently slain police officer.

Idiots. Assholes. Dog poop on the shoe of life.

These folks are card carrying members of the Douche Bag Club, they are individuals who are so despicable that they deserve to be thrown out with the trash.

It seems you can't turn around without hitting a douche bag with your purse.

They are everywhere. They are Prime Ministers, Republican leadership contenders and tax collectors. They sell your teenager drugs and knock up your daughters.

Anderson Cooper had a story in the fall about a bunch of kids on a thieving rampage who stole a frozen turkey from a supermarket, then hurled it, for a lark, into a car travelling behind them. The turkey shattered the woman's face, making her unrecognizable. Doctors basically had to give her a new face.

Or the Gatineau dude who laid a can of whoop ass on a good Samaritan after the man tried to prevent him from stealing a pumpkin. The poor victim died trying to do the right thing.

I'd put into the Douche Bag Club all the people who are suing serial killer Russell Williams's widow, the woman who cannot be named. She has devoted her entire life to good works. She might be guilty of choosing a poor life partner, but she should not be blamed for his particular form of doucebaggery. She is a victim herself.

I've tried to compile a small list of contenders for Douche of the Year, 2011 edition, but soon realized I'd need the entire Microsoft cloud to name them all.

So I took the easy way out. I decided to focus on celebrities.

Here's a small sample of some of the contenders:

-- Ashton Kutcher, for going from a seemingly nice guy to douchebag in 60 seconds or less. Maybe he felt he had to emulate Charlie Sheen, the winner of the Douche of Year, 2010, with his womanizing ways. Demi Moore should have known better than to marry a man-child, but that doesn't excuse the behavior.

-- Dr. Conrad Murray, for giving Michael Jackson propofol in the first place and for being too busy talking to hoes to notice the King of Pop had joined the Dead Rock Star Tour.

-- Kim Kardashian, the shill queen for staging a bogus wedding as a publicity stunt, then making millions on her reality show trying to explain it away.

-- The Situation, just for being.

-- Mark Anthony. If it looks like a rat...

-- Simon Cowell for exploiting young children, addicts and talentless divas to pay for Botox and cashmere sweaters.

-- Oprah, Anderson Cooper, Justin Bieber and Ryan Seacrest for clogging the airwaves with their egos. There should be a one-show minimum.

-- All the moms on Toddlers and Tiaras for trying to emulate Simon Cowell.

-- Donald Trump, any way you slice it.

And finally, the Douchebag of the Year goes to....

 

For breaching her probation more times than a normal person goes to the bathroom, for posing for Playboy, then losing the money when she misplaced her purse at a party.

Dude! Get a bank account.