There will be a lot of testerone expelled at bars today over an article in the Ottawa Citizen which explains why hormones make women crazy.
It's definitely worth a read, ladies, if you want to get your blood boiling.
The author, David Sherman, explores in detail all the crazy behavior women experience every 28 days as well as the absolute nuttery that accompanies perimenopause and menopause.
It's true that our hormones do sometimes get the best of us. I, myself, spent years being held hostage by the hormonal rollercoaster which left me often times shaking from panic attacks and unable to leave the homestead.
But I will go on record as saying I have never slugged a man with a leg of lamb when I was on the rag. Nor did I plug a husband with a bullet for using the wrong dish towel.
I especially take issue with the writer's description of men as the softer sex, gentle folk who sit on the sidelines puzzled by the strange behavior of their spouses.
"If men were visited by identical societal, physical, physiological and biological stresses, we would probably have cashed in the chips long ago. After all, we are but the gender who make sport of passing gas or punching our fellow males repeatedly in the face."
Yep. That's right. John is hiding behind the paper in case he gets hit by a dish. Or he's out mowing the lawn to escape the wrath of the woman who's pissed that a dish was left in the sink.
Men have no crazy time, is that right Sherman?
Let me tell you something, mister. We may be challenged by our hormones but we are not guided by them.
We may get emotional, but at least we think with our heads.
Not our vaginas.
Dicks are far more threatening to the world order than vaginas.
Dicks become easily enraged. They are irrational. They are insecure.
They make extremely bad decisions.
Dicks drives sales of ridiculous performance-enhancing cars.
They make bald, fat and ugly men lunge for their secretaries or our babysitters.
Dicks are by far the leading cause of divorce in this country.
Dicks rule the world. Ask the Libyans.
The conspiracy of dick is being led by modern medicine which is led by dicks.
Dicks have historically kept women down by doling out pills and patches that suppress their true nature.
Like birth control pills.
Bio-identicals. SSRIs.
Dicks know they need to keep women medicated or face extermination.
You don't see family docs offering those kinds of drugs to men, now do you? Nah-ah. In fact, the opposite is true. Dick-led medicine is now promoting performance enhancers, even enlargements that will keep dicks at attention even when the men attached are past their best before date.
It's a conspiracy.
Hormones may make us crazy, but dicks make men stupid.
And believe you me, there is nothing stupider than a flock of dicks out on the town. They spend their paycheques on beer and ballet. They force the aged into participating in sporting events meant for children. They urinate in inappropriate places.
I also take issue with the author's claim that all the bleeding and the pain is worth it for women.
Why?
Because of the superiority of the female orgasm which he says is "akin to 10,000 volt electro shock, comparable to convulsions suffered by one who plugs their finger in a socket and their feet in a buck of water as they howl at the moon."
Sorry pal.
That's called childbirth.
Who is this guy sleeping with anyway? Jenna Jamieson?
I'm thinking the guy is downloading too much porn.
RCMP, I hope you're listening!
I have news for the Shermanator.
It's not the hormones that are driving women crazy.
It's you and your dick.
And you, sir, must be flying first class.
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