This conversation is giving me cancer

The nutritionist Leslie Beck reported a study in yesterday's Globe and Mail which reveals too much sitting can lead to cancer.

Last week, that same newspaper reported that too much drinking can substantially increase the risk of a woman's dying of breast cancer.

According to studies, we can also get cancer from processed meat, farmed fish, barbecues, fat, sugar, diet products, cell phones, computers, overhead lighting, recycled air in sealed buildings and the sun.

And, of course, smoking.

People most at risk are golfers, swimmers, office workers -- including doctors and nurses -- bloggers and people who go on the Sparks Street mall for the annual Ribfest.

The only things that don't cause cancer are plants and grains grown organically under the Alberta tar sands. (This message brought to you by the Alberta tar sands lobby.)

So if we don't want cancer, we have to eat a lot of broccoli and quinoa while standing.

Enough already.

This conversation is giving me cancer.

Maybe if we fired all the researchers, we would stop getting cancer. Turn a blind eye to it and it might just go away.

Stop buying those lottery tickets to support "research" and just go to the bar and have a helluva time. Smoke that reefer son, you might get cancer, but it's a terrific way to go.

I believe what causes most cancer is stress.

And what causes stress?

Worrying?

About what?

About getting cancer.

Dr. Andrew Weil was on Dr. Oz yesterday and he says that people in, say, tribal Africa never get depressed. I've also heard they don't get much cancer.

Why? They're too busy trying to feed their families while avoiding getting eaten by the local pride to worry. There's no time to worry about cancer in tribal Africa.

AIDS, maybe. Death by childbirth, maybe. Working for The Man as a child soldier, maybe. Getting caught in the middle of the Arab Spring, maybe.

But not cancer, definitely not cancer.

Who has time to take anti-depressants when you're too busy trying to stay alive?

Also, I expect, they don't sit down to much, so there would be a small risk of ass cancer.

We in the West have too much time on our hands.

Researchers are buying Porsches with the money we send them to study cancer.

Now, let's be clear. I'm not talking about taking money away from the dedicated lot who are doing research to obliterate cancer. Give them all your toonies and loonies.

God damn it! We need to cure cancer once we've got it.

But spending money on telling people that their lives are killing them is a waste. After we all just tune it out.

I'm all for avoiding this kind of talk.

Remember, too much negativity also gives you cancer!

I'm for life in a bubble, sitting here, drinking wine, eating steak and baked potatoes slathered with butter and sour cream.

When it's my time, this is how I'd like it to go.

Ah, did you hear?

Rose died today.

What of?

Natural causes.