Movember: Invasion of the lip spiders

I woke up this morning feeling, well, curmudgeonly.

Maybe it's the weather.

Maybe it's the general economic downturn.

Maybe it's my age.

In any event, it's time to vent.

I would like to know why Prime Minister Harper has left his homeland and become a professional world traveller. He's in Hawaii for yet another one of those stupid A meetings and one of the three amigos is a no show. So why didn't he just cancel the trip?

And why does Laureen Harper have to tag along to Hawaii for the A-something meeting? Shouldn't she have her glue gun out decorating one ball or another? Would she be going if the meeting were in Afganistan?

I was at the gymnasty yesterday, on the rowing machine, and I noticed a couple of Lou Lou Liz Lemons standing on the spiral staircase having a chat. People couldn't get by.

The two stick figures were completely oblivious.

What's with that? I felt like yelling at them to move along.

The gymnasty has more employees than members. There are lots of greeters. Lots of trainers. What they need is traffic control.

I was eating a banana this morning and half of it was bruised. So was the banana yesterday. I hate bruised bananas. Perhaps the grocers should consider putting bananas in protective bubble wrap so that when I'm ready to eat them, they are yellow, not black. I have no time to make banana bread.

Weren't you fascinated this week when the little girl found a black widow spider in the grapes she bought at Loblaws? Did the spider miss its flight to Venezuela?

Imagine if she'd have eaten that spider. It would have been a real taste sensation that's for sure.

Why can't they get the supers right on CTV Ottawa? Does the super guy not have spell check on his computer?

Why did Dawg FM hire a news reader who drops her Gs? Well, she doesn't exactly drop them. This is what she says: workeen, reporteen, talkeen. It's ING damn it! Stop ruining my morning commute.

Just sayeen.

Why does the city have to do construction work on both Belfast and Industrial Avenue at once? There are only two ways to get to the gymnasty --Belfast and Industrial -- so why can't the crews do one street at a time?

Here's the big one.

If I pay the boys on TSN a million dollars will they shave off those bloody moustaches? Their upper lips eerily resemble the spider the little girl found in her grapes.

I'm all for raising money for prostate cancer research but that doesn't give every guy the right to sport a hair ball on his upper lip when he knows he can't grow it.

Let's face it, ladies. Movember is all about you-know-who. They don't have to run, walk or do the horizontal mambo to raise money. They just have to alter their facial appearance. And brag. Or worse. Grin.

Movember is stupid. There should be a law. If you can't grow a stash, just donate money. No excuses.

Why can't the wives stand up to these men?

Why don't we women rise up in protest and raise money by refusing to shave our pits?.

Call it Aprit or Pituary.

Hockey players should also be fined for growing inappropriate facial hair.

It would happen if I ruled the NHL.

Those boys on TSN would be fired, if I ran the network.

Finally, why does Christmas have to come in the fourth fiscal quarter? There's no work for writers leading up to Christmas. Clients are too busy planning Christmas parties to worry about those pesky reports that need editing.

There's no work for car salesmen, either. Nobody buys a car the month before Christmas, not even plastic surgeons.

Our family is broke, broke, broke.

Time to take up dog sitting for all those people with Christmas hangovers who are too sick to walk their dogs in the morning.

Better yet, let's postpone Christmas indefinitely.

That's my rant. Be off with yee.

I'm going to the gymnasty for some heavy lifting.

Watch out Lou Lou Liz Lemons. I'm hunteen for bear.

What Bell isn't telling you about Fibe TV

Update: This week, we switched back to Rogers after spending far too long using Bell's crappy television service. For those with Bell, read and weep. For those considering Bell, think twice even if you hate Rogers. RS I've always been an early technology adapter. I had a Betamax. That tells you everything (if you're over 50 at least). My first computer was a "Portable". It weighed 40 pounds and I had to lug it around town on a gurney. I've been through probably 15 computers in my lifetime. Apple is the best. It's also too expensive so I have a piece of shit HP, the one I'm writing this blog on. I've had cable, internet and now Netflix. American Netflix . That's how far ahead of the curve I am. I get all the newspapers for free. How? I disabled my cookies so they can't track me when I'm on the newspaper sites. Even the New York Times hasn't cottoned on to that trick. Hahaha. That will be a fifty buck consulting fee. Bein...

Ashley Simpson: Please sign this petition to help her family

Those who read this space regularly know that my family is frantic with worry about my cousin, Ashley Simpson , who has been missing 40 days now. Both her boyfriend and her landlord reported that she had left with no money, no car, no resources from her Salmon Arm, B.C. home after a domestic dispute over money. Since then, there has been no trace of her. The RCMP now considers this a homicide investigation, but the family has not heard any updates from them in more than three weeks. Just after she disappeared, her father, relatives and friends set out from St. Catharines on a long trek to B.C. to find her. They all left their work, and their lives, intent on finding Ashley who had always kept in touch. It was completely out of character for her to lose touch. Her parents have been consumed by worry. They have been unable to work, and are having a hard time functioning. As a result, they are now relying on donations from family and friends to keep the wolf from the door...

The strange case of Greg Etue

I got out of the daily news reporting game, I'll admit, because I didn't have the stomach to cover the many sad stories that came across my desk. I remember clearly once when I had to call an RCMP sergeant after his young son blew his head off with the officer's service revolver. "Please," he pleaded. "I really can't talk right now." "It was your gun, is that correct?" He slammed down the receiver. I was ashamed of myself. People have a right to some privacy in difficult times like that. I also used to hate having to go to the door of a dead child's home and jostle the competition for a picture. Really, it felt more like ghoulism than journalism. That said, I still believe that these stories must be told in an honest and forthright fashion with all the facts and none of the flourish and emotion that is all the rage in reporting these days. Over the past two years, we, in this community, have been treated to a lot o...

Rose's Cantina

Search This Blog