Rose's Cantina

If you wanted to reassure yourself that Dr. Phil is an opportunistic quack who’s only out for ratings, you only had to tune in this week. I wrote this blog last year, but it still stands up. The Dr. Phil Family was back with a vengeance. Let me give you some background. Eight years ago, Dr. Phil took on a wealthy Florida family which consisted of a fighting and philandering couple, a witchy little 12-year-old and a 15-year-old pregnant gal. Dr. Phil’s job was to straighten out this dysfunctional group and hopefully give little miss round heels some insight into her own stupidity. The amount of therapy devoted to the Dr. Phil family would have cost the average family at least a million dollars. It included weekly flights from Florida to L.A. plus posh accommodations; a full camera crew; and tons and tons of Shirley Temple makeovers. At the start, there was a lot of yelling. By the end of the six years, it was mostly crying and eye-rolling. For those of us parents going...

So far, I've had a pretty good life. But there are some things that remain disappointing to me. Like crossword puzzles. I am a professional writer and yet I can barely get any of the answers unless they involve celebrities or movies. Crossword puzzles make no sense to me. Yesterday, I sat at the table with Scott, eating breakfast, and gave the Sunday puzzle the good old college try. A word for tours of duty? Sojourn. Mission. Nope. Stints. Come on. That's not even a proper military word. Hey Harold, good to see you back mate. Yep, just did my stint in the army. That would be someone, to me, who was pretending to be in the army but was really just a poser -- like Merl Reagle who writes the puzzles. Pool item? Noodle. Crawler. Nope. Gene. WTF? Pardon me, honey while I get out the Gene and clean the pool. I've never heard of some of these words. I gave up. Once again. I'm also disappointed in my ability to play the piano. I always wanted to pla...

Warning: This video contains information that could save your life. But Ottawa Public Health doesn't want you to see it! So here's the story. Two years ago, Scott and I were so concerned about the outbreak of H1N1 that we decided to make this video to encourage kids to wash their hands and prevent the spread of the virus. We consulted all the experts, including the association that represents infection control professionals as well as the experts at CHEO. The local folks turned out to be totally uncooperative, and told us they wouldn't help with the video even though, initially, they were enthusiastic. We went ahead and did the video anyway, enlisting the help of a local kids dance troupe and a professional children's entertainer. When the video was completed, it was shown to Ottawa Public Health's chief medical officer who basically told us to get lost. The video would never see shown on their watch because it hadn't been vetted by their committees who...

While I was at the gymnasty today, I noticed that CTV was still running old reruns of Littlest Hobo. We're thinking of sending this in as a pilot. What do you think?

Have you ever wondered why there are more hotdog buns in a package than a regular package of hotdogs? What are you supposed to do with them? And what's the deal with the potatoes bought on your birthday that are still around until your next birthday and look exactly the same? I once went into the post office and noticed that it had done a study that showed, in color coding, the times when the post office was less busy. But every time I went into the post office on the color-coded busy times, they were short staffed. Did someone forget to give the managers the study? Why don't the manufacturers of socks-in-bags add in a couple of extra socks to compensate for the ones lost in the dryer? Why are there more old drunks than old doctors? What's the deal with the city crews who always come to dig something up in threes when only one guy has a shovel? Why can scientists manage to genetically engineer a peach not to have fuzz but they can't make a pit bull that ...

We all know that our bodies aren't exactly symmetrical. Girls have one boob that's always bigger than the other; I suspect the men can claim the same in the bullocks department. But do we have one side that gets sicker than the other? My right side is the culprit. Everything that is wrong happens on my right side. Catract. Fallen arch. Pulled neck muscle. Ear eaten away by flesh-eating bacteria (true!). What's with that? Am I like a ship that is listing to starboard? I was thinking about this in bed last night, as I was nursing my wounded neck which I apparently hurt during an interview last Friday. As I've said before, I don't talk much, being a shut-in, so even a little excess gabbing puts a strain on my tender throat. Is there any way to prevent further injury to my right side? I've already gotten an orthotic for the right foot and the cataract has been exorcised. The liver, well, the liver is on the mend after years of drinking Canada Dry. Wh...

If you're reading this, you might have heard me on CBC radio's DNTO today. I was talking about how I suck at job interviews, how when asked my strategy to further the aims of an animal welfare group, I replied: "Well, there's more than one way to skin a cat". Needless to say, I didn't get that job. I'm always nervous about public speaking, but it's pretty good on the radio, especially if you're talking to WINNIPEG from OTTAWA. They put you in a little box and basically, you just talk to yourself, which I'm always doing. You see, I'm a shut-in, a freelancer, which is Ottawaspeak for "chronically unemployed". There's another word for it, a word used by perpetual gas bags and chest puffers who are also unemployed. They call themselves "consultants". The Canada Revenue Agency has another word for us. It's called "tax evaders". Seriously, you know you suck at freelancing when you don't bot...