There was a disturbing, screaming, headline on Facebook today that brought shudders to the shoulders of dieters everywhere.
"Cauliflower is $8.99 today due to weather conditions in California."
A ripple of discontent went through Farm Boy as tiny Asian men gingerly piled the caulie on high with managers hoping that their stock of the ear-shaped vegetable would not sit there like so much tinsel on a Christmas tree.
To their surprise, the cauliflower flew off the shelves.
Of course, it did.
You see cauliflower is a dieter's staple along with kale which ridiculous people turn into "chips" which apparently are delicious. These righteous people also say the same thing about putting marinara sauce on a spaghetti squash.
"Delicious! Tastes just like real spaghetti!"
Yeah, only if real spaghetti tasted like ass.
A lot of moms out there have abandoned the lowly potato in favor of mashed caulie. They lace it with butter and cream because fat is a recommended requirement these days, and they try to pass it off as whipped potatoes. The kids squirm in their chairs because it pretty much tastes like the cauliflower my mom used to make which was soggy and had the distinct taste of sulphur. We'd eat it, or get whipped like the caulie, which is why I hardly ever eat mashed caulie-- unless I'm trying to fit into my high school prom dress.
Caulie gives me nightmares. It's a passive aggressive vegetable.
I think the fix is in for cauliflower. I think the Mob is so worried that Justin Trudeau is going to legalize pot that they've put their futures in the diet market, and cauliflower in particular.
Did you notice when kale first became the rage? Nobody used to buy it because it is lousy tasting and has the consistency of a balloon. But then Dr. Oz and his pals told us to eat it because it was a diet wunderkind with nearly zero calories, about the same as toilet paper.
I'm always try to trim my ass, so I tried kale and hated it. Then I was instructed by Dr. Oz's daughter Daphne to rub it down with olive oil and let it sit for several hours. This trick indeed works for the reason slow cooking a cheap cut of beef works. Put another way, it works like ridding yourself of a hangover. Time heals all things, even kale.
Anyway, kale became "a thing" and suddenly its price tripled. Then some vegan entrepreneurs started making store bought kale chips because the homemade ones tasted like seaweed. They sold the kale chips to the fools who shop at Whole Foods for $29.
Kale became gourmet. Like fish eggs and truffles.
It was on trend.
Women are idiots for falling for price fixing on vegetables. We are so damned gullible, we buy anything that promises the deflate our spare tires, including Skinny Girl margaritas for six times the price. Word! Alcohol is alcohol. Same volume, same calories.
Because we are forever dieting, in other words, we'll eat or drink anything -- don't get me started on green drinks that taste like mouse vomit -- and pay anything for it if it trims the pounds. But guess what? It doesn't. I ate cauliflower for months as mashed or as soup and I didn't lose a blessed pound. I just got depressed and ate ice cream.
So I gave up. Sometimes I eat cauliflower because I feel like eating cauliflower but not as a substitute for potatoes. There is nothing that is a substitute for potatoes which are delicious and can now be purchased at Loblaws -- three bags for five bucks.
That's a lot of bleeding potatoes.
A wise woman named Nora Ephron once said, "I never want to be on my death bed thinking I should have had that extra piece of chocolate cake."
I'm with you, Nora.
Give us bad carbs, sugar, the whole shebang and worry about the price of cauliflower in the New Year. Bad carbs are cheap. They are delicious. And if you indulge, there's always a solution -- buy a bigger pair of ladypants!
Let's give the finger to the man, this Christmas.
It may not be good for our waistlines, but it will be good for our collective mental health.