Thursday, 4 September 2014

Celebrity selfies: All clouds leak

I've been trying to make sense of the debate over the theft of celebrity images.
I've also been trying to find a way to get my point across without pissing off all the right-minded citizens who see this activity as a crime, nothing more, nothing less.
So I've decided to channel Louis C.K. to see how he would have assessed the situation.
Here goes.

Jennifer Lawrence and a hundred other celebrities nobody cares about got their photos hacked off something called the iCloud.

I never use the iCloud but people who are more saavy than me do so to make sure their photos don't disappear when their piece of shit computer batteries melt down. This happened to me twice and nearly caused a fire, so you at Apple don't be so damned smarmy about your technology.

Sometimes even Apple sucks balls.

The stealing of these images is a terrible, terrible crime.
The people who violate a person's privacy should be prosecuted to the full extent of the law.
And some people argue it was not just a theft; it was sex crime.
I can see where they're coming from, though nobody called it a sex crime when Anthony Weiner did it. That, my friends, was a crime against humanity.

Of course, the whole schlamozzle was terrible.
Of course. Of course.

But maybe.
Maybe these young celebrities should stop taking naked photos of themselves and putting them up on a cloud. Maybe they should buy a burner phone and a hard drive and keep the hard drive in an underground safe.
I mean, haven't they watched that terrible movie with Cameron Diaz and Jason Segal?
Haven't they learned anything from Breaking Bad?
Security is everything these days.
There are bad people out there.
Bad ones.
And only the stupid ones get caught.

Clouds are an environmental phenomenon.
They are never permanent.
So if you put a photo of your cooch up in the cloud like every other 23-year-old holding a bottle of tequila and doing that gesture with your hands, the cloud will eventually burst and rain down on your sorry perfect little ass.
It's fucking science.

Look, taking naked pictures of one's self is nothing new.
I've done it.
I was on a beach in Negril and everyone was naked and so my husband at the time took naked photos of us. We all laughed and had them developed, never thinking that the guy at Black's might be tugging his little chubby to them and passing them around to his buddy at Fat Albert's.
And that was before the Internet.
Like most 23-year-olds, I was stupid back then and grew up smarter and didn't have a multi-million dollar studio deal to ride through crowds whilst flames flew off my back.
J-Law has been acting an awfully long time, so unless she was twelve -- in which case, she'd have had a way bigger problem -- she might have expected her photos to end up on TMZ.

I'm not saying J-Law deserved this.
Nobody deserves to be on The Dirty, either.
It's not safe.
For anyone.
And it's not safe, especially if you're Jennifer Lawrence.

It isn't just about the iCloud, after all.
Every woman should ask herself: "Will I be involved with this guy ten days from now?
If I'm married to him, will he post these photos after I break up with him?"
You can't trust men, especially celebrities.
Look at Justin Bieber.
He's not even a man, and he can't be trusted with shit.

Here's the thing:

I'm dating James Franco -- or John Mayer for that matter -- and I want to send him coochies.
Before I do so, I should honestly asked if it's wise.
I would be thinking, that James Franco, he's a real A-hole sometimes and maybe he'd pass the pics around to Seth Rogen, who'd share them with Michael Cera and maybe, oh my Lord, maybe that guy who plays Kenny Powers.
Even if I were involved with a nice guy like Robert Pattison, maybe I'd be thinking he shouldn't be in possession of nude photos of me when he finds out I'm schtupping an old director.
In any case, nude photos should be taken by one of those devices that once you've seen them, they disappear.
Now that's a technology I could get behind.

Regardless, there's a lesson here.
Don't put your shit up in the cloud.
Clouds aren't safe.
They leak.

Anyway, what's done is done.
If I were Jennifer Lawrence, I'd say, what the hell?
Here ya go.
I'm putting them all out on the Internet for everyone to see.
Like Kim Kardashian.
Everyone is so sick of seeing Kim Kardashian's naked little tuckus, nobody looks anymore.
Well, not nobody.
I'm sure Kanye is more than happy to have a boo.
Regardless, Kim's smart.
She's apparently made a book of her selfies, hoping to cash in and beat the pervs.
Taking melons and making melonade.
Now, that's something to think about.

Back to Jennifer Lawrence and her naked pics.
Like I say, the crime was terrible.
Of course.
But maybe, just maybe she'll think twice before she presses the send button.

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