After three long years standing on the weight loss plateau, I've finally found a machine at the gym that works for me. It's made by Octane Fitness and it's a combination elliptical and strider which requires the athletic supporter to run in a squatting position -- backwards.
Whilst everyone else around is blissfully gliding up and down as if they were on a merry-go-round, you are slipping and sliding in a number of delightful poses and positions. While they are glowing with a light mist of perspiration, you are leaving buckets of sweat on the floor.
This machine means business. I call it the Punisher because if you don't hit a decent clip, it turns off the audio on the television. So you're standing there waiting to see if Mandy Patinkin gets the perp on Criminal Minds, and all of a sudden -- silence!
What criminal mind thought of this punishment?
I've been working out on this machine for three weeks, and I've dropped half my gut, the gut part that is below the waistline, the muffin bottom, if you will. Also I lost half the ass I built up over last Christmas eating velvet cake and bon bons.
Sure, my knees hurt and my hip screams "stop! you stupid bitch!"
But that's the price a woman pays for screwing the pooch around her abdomen.
I'll take it.
Also, I've developed -- or should I say re-developed -- the thigh gap which is all the rage amongst the yoginis. It's one of two hot places on the body right now, along with the bikini bridge, which is the little space above the pelvic bone taut young things have when they lay down on the beach.
Guys, you know what I'm talking about. It's the place where you can put a hand
in without stretching the material. Many a dude has been arrested for doing this, especially in Brazil.
I vaguely remember the bikini bridge from high school. I had a bikini bridge one day, then the good Lord took it away in punishment for having children.
He sort of blew up the bridge and built a bunny hill there.
The thigh gap is more easily attained than the bikini bridge.
It occurs when you squeeze your thighs together and they don't stick. There's a space between your thighs.
Until I hit menopause, I always had a thigh gap, though I thought I was simply bow-legged.
I had a thigh gap until I hit menopause, then my thighs ate about a gallon of cottage cheese and the gap was filled in with fat globules. As I recall, it was about the same time I started wearing mom jeans.
Once you've widened the gap, it's a bitch to get back.
But thanks to the Octane Fitness machine, I now have one.
If it gives me a bikini bridge, I'm asking it to marry me.