Thursday, 1 May 2014

The Drunkard Rob Ford

Now that Toronto Mayor Rob Ford has decided to take the cure, it's time to discuss, among ourselves, the possibility that he will indeed still become Mayor of Toronto, once again.

Had he kept drinking and drugging, Rob Ford might very well have won back his tarnished crown, as the Mayor of the People of Canada's coolest, most notorious city. Unfortunately, a sober Rob Ford doesn't have a hope.

Here's why.

Like it or not, drunks tell the truth. Taking a few shots of the demon rum may make a person run off at the mouth, and he make indeed regret it later, but generally speaking, booze opens up the cortex of honesty.

Rob Ford indeed may have wanted to, what did he say? "jam" a competitor. He also may sincerely believe he has "more than enough to eat at home". And quite possibly, Rob Ford may have wanted someone to die at the business end of his ham handed fists.

He also most assuredly believes in his drunken stupor that one of our national leaders is light in the loafers.

A lot of folks, particularly in red neck territory, The Ford Nation, appreciate this kind of honesty from their politicians. They like a guy who can eat a 24 ounce steak and talk trash out of the side of his mouth. They like a man who takes his strippers seriously and refers to them as "old friends".

Unfortunately, what rednecks don't like is people who lie.

And fact is, Rob Ford sober is a big fat liar.

He lied about smoking the crack. He fibbed about not being at the scene of his many crimes. And he told a huge one about how much he has to drink.

We have seen the evidence that a sober Rob Ford is not to be trusted.

And therefore, a sober Rob Ford will be unelectable.

Toronto wants The Big Guy, the one who gets The Brand on all the late night shows. The Drunkard Rob Ford has put Toronto on the map. Jimmy Kimmel wants to adopt him.

But nobody wants The Dry Drunk Rob Ford, the doofus who, when he gets angry, turns into a exploding penis head.

Hopefully, when Rob Ford gets back to town, he will have seen the light. He will realize that being Mayor of Toronto will pose a threat to his sobriety. Once sober, he needs a place to put his anger.

Perhaps he can be content making labels.

Or weaving baskets.

Whatever he does, he has no business being Mayor of Toronto.

Leave that to the pinkos or the rich folks.

Hey John Tory, where is the subway, anyway?



  1. While not personally living in Toronto, the Rob Ford Brand stirs my passion, although Iknow you are being incendiary. If there are pinkos racing, you can have them. I don't want pinkos here!

  2. I've just downloaded iStripper, so I can have the hottest virtual strippers on my desktop.