Friday, 4 April 2014

Dear taxpayer. Thank you for your letter. We misplaced it. Love Canada Post

As usual, I spent part of the morning pouring over the online want ads looking for a job.
Once in a great while, one jumps out for which I might actually be qualified. It's not often, given my lack of bilingualism and absence of a nuclear level security clearance.
But I'm not giving up.
I need to buy dog food.
One caught my eye this morning.
Canada Post was looking for a writer for its correspondence division. Ah, I thought. I can do that.
I spent some time working in the Prime Minister's Office answering correspondence back during the short term tenure of John Turner's government.
I'd been working as a writer in Pierre Trudeau's PMO, so the correspondence gig was a bit of a demotion. Instead of writing lofty briefing notes for MPs, I would be lending my ear to the gripes of a nation thoroughly pissed off at the Liberals, particularly Westerners who hated The National Energy Program and Trudeau's distain for the common people.
But in politics, sometimes a job is a job.
I must say, the Trudeau folks were interesting, fun and cool as compared to the
Turner lot, known forever in my mind as the Government of Grey Men in Old Man Pants because all his advisors wore their pants right under their nipples. They were also incompetent as hell compared to the well-oiled machine of the Trudeau government.
The correspondence job was a toughie.
It was also awesome.
It made me feel close to other Canadians, even the guy who sent a letter, in which he included a photo of himself jacking off. (Here's my contribution.) or the man who must have spent four hours making a pop up middle finger. He was the best.
I think I would be great at the Canada Post job. I can already see myself in the chair, opening up the email and watching hundreds of pieces of correspondence load, all of them about how pissed off Canadians are that Canada Post is taking away their home delivery, raising the stamp to one dollar, and generally NOT delivering the nation's mail on time.
I might even see my own emailed correspondence in the pile, the letter I wrote this week about the mailman who keeps leaving our gate open so my dogs can get killed on St. Laurent Blvd., the same guy who delivers mail to us addressed to the public school four blocks down, the same guy who gave my husband the finger the other day because he didn't appreciate the ice on our sidewalk after a snow fall.
What a prick.
I would write back to myself the following:

Dear Ms. Simpson

Thank you for your letter. The president of Canada Post would very much like to thank you for your comments and he has made a note of them. (Lie.) I have forwarded your concerns to our Vice-President of Mail Delivery (who is also losing his job). As you are aware, Canada Post is downsizing its delivery service to better and more efficiently serve Canadians (justification for squandering taxpayers' money in the past) and soon you will be able to have the opportunity of getting some exercise by walking your dog to your handy neighborhood communal postal box. The carrier in question will be on the unemployment line very soon so don't be too hard on him. If you don't like him, let your dog loose when he's in your yard and he will be sure to shut your gate in the future.

Thank you for contacting Canada Post.


name here.

p.s. I'm only fantasizing about this situation as I am not qualified to apply for this position. Apparently, you need to have a Master's Degree to be a correspondence writer for Canada Post, which is further evidence that the post office is squandering your tax dollars hiring an over-qualified person for an entry level position.


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