Sunday, 23 March 2014

This blog will give you cancer





The New York Times, God bless the Old Grey Mare, had diet bloggers binge-eating this week over a new large -- large is important, apparently -- study that revealed that there is no link between the consumption of saturated fat and obesity.

What this means for those of you who do not devote your entire afternoon to watching medical chat shows is that you can eat red meat and butter and it won't give you a heart attack.

Well, Hail Mary and pass the collection plate. Heck, if it's in the New York Times, it must be true!

This is good news, just in time for barbeque season, so fire up the coals and get a big slab of T-bone on the grill along with corn slathered in butter.

Hold the suga, Ragtime. Sugar, is the culprit now, not fat.

Well, duh. Every cornpone low life knows that if you drink too much Coca Cola -- which according to the Great and Powerful Doctor Oz this week also contains cancer-causing carmel fake food coloring -- it's gonna make your butt into an ass pancake.

I don't pay attention to any of this nonsense. That's because for every study there is an equal and opposite study proving something otherwise. We see it all the time in the Kingdom of Oz where one day the heart doctor is extolling the virtues of, say, juicing and the next is bringing in experts that warn that if you drink too much carrot juice, you turn into one.

Even the superannuated government folks can't seem to get it right. There are arguments among the many experts over that wonderful food pyramid it took millions of your tax dollars to perfect. Even the Harvard food plate is coming into disrepute.

Everybody with a vested interest has an opinion. Wheat, laden as it is with genetically-modified something or other, will give you a big fat belly. You should only drink milk from cows that are born on Sunday and wear pink bows on Wednesday. Soy gives you twenty-five ovaries.

Here, have a glass of wonderful almond milk, which isn't even milk for Christ's Sake.

It's enough to give you brain freeze.

And have you heard the newest idea that you shouldn't do cardiovascular exercise, only strength training after the age of 50? Apparently, according to one faction, cardio doesn't help you lose weight at all. What the hell have I been doing at the gymnasty for the past three years when I could have just sat on the couch eating nuts and bolts, doing crunches to Dr. Phil?

Oh yes, and now the big scare. If you sit too much you're going to die.

Shit. That's all I do is sit on my ass all day. I'm going to die next Tuesday.

I'm sorry, but there is no solution for sitting. It's doubtful most workplaces will embrace the treadmill workstation. And what's the lowly cop or truck driver to do?

Not to mention the backlash from the donut-eating administrators who fear what an epidemic of spilled coffee stains will do to their dress codes.

I suspect the real culprit in all of this is not what we eat but how much we worry about what we eat. That is what is causing the cancer and heart attacks. Stress is what causes all the problems in the world from binge-eating to alcoholism, from obesity to mental illness.

No let me take that back, the cause of all the world's ills are the experts.

Maybe if the experts would shut their gobs, and let us get on with life, we would all be healthier and happier.

Hmmm. Maybe I should write a book about it. Get in the New York
Times
.

Making a mint off The New York Times is much better than reading the New York Times.

And if I'm rich, I won't care if I'm fat.


 

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