Update: This post was written earlier in the week before Philip Seymour Hoffman died tragically of an overdose. I think it makes it even more poignant given the fact that Hoffman had a life long struggle with an opium addiction. RIP, young man.
Hey parents! Remember when your kid came up to you when he was 16 and said this?
I can do whatever I want. I'm 16.
That's when he stopped going to school and started smoking weed and fornicating in the bushes.
What's that you say? Your kid never did that?
That's because your kid was the one in my basement dealing the weed.
Justin Bieber is just going through a phase.
The difference between Justin Bieber and your kid is about 30 million buckaroos.
So chill. The kid's not going to be found with needles sticking out of his arm with a strangely accented doctor singing over his dead body.
He's not Michael Jackson. He's Corey Feldman.
The trouble with Justin is he wants to be cool, and he's just not cool.
He grew up in Stratford. Hello!
He needs Philip Seymour Hoffman to give him the speech.
If you need to buy $8,000 a month in weed, you don't know how to smoke it.
If you want to drag race a sportscar, learn how to use the stick and drive over the speed limit.
Don't take your dad to strip clubs. He's not cool, either.
If a guy's name starts with L'il, he's not your friend.
Finally, phone your mother once in a while.
Justin Bieber's acting out because he's 19 -- going on 12 -- and he's trying to impress a girl.
Somebody needs to tell him that ship has sailed.
He should buy himself a new monkey or a Macadamia farm.
Invest in Shopify.
Stop being a douche.
You're embarrassing your country.
Justin will straighten up when tweens stop buying his records.
Nobody throws teddy bears at a pimply-faced, black toothed 25-year-old with beer paunch and skid marks in his underwear.
Cute wears off very quickly when mixed with drugs, booze and McDonald's.
Ask David Cassidy.