Downton Abbey: Upstairs or Down?

Spoiler Sport Alert!

When Scott got home from not selling cars last night, we decided to finish off the Christmas liquor, watch Jimmy Kimmel Live and have a discussion about Downton Abbey.

We were discussing Downton, not watching it, because I have sworn an oath not to rent it and watch it on me own, although I did watch Return to Downton Abbey which wasn't the smartest move given I'm only on episode four of Season Three and now I know three of the characters aren't coming back. Of course, I already knew this because I watched The Damned View the other day and all of this was revealed.

I don't really care as I wasn't very attached to Matthew, whom I found to be rather wimpy and stupid. I mean, what aristocrat wouldn't take Livinia's money? A rather bad aristocrat, Lord Grantham would have said. I didn't like Mrs. O'Brien either, though I did like Sybil. She was a bit of a spit and polish, just like her grannies.

Childbirth is an awfully terrible way to die. Remember that episode of ER called Love's Labor Lost? when the cool and chatty mum died in childbirth. There was blood all over the ceiling and I blamed Mark Green for a whole decade.

I simply couldn't get it out of my mind. It's a good thing I'd already had my lot before seeing that episode or there would be three fewer Gagniers in this world.

Anyway, we were discussing Downton, as everyone is, and the talk came 'round to which characters Scott and I are most like. I told Scott he was definitely Lord Grantham because -- and he will admit this hisself -- he is absolutely terrible with money. Scott would have bought Canadian rail estate, for sure, he would have, but instead of bitching about it and trying to get his mother-in-law to cover the losses, he would have gone down to the basement and started making dinner.

Scott thought I would be Lady Grantham, but certainly that would not be the case. It is true, when bad things happen to me, I take to my bed, but what soft and useless girl doesn't?

The fact is that I am truly luckless, so I would have been Lady Edith, the girl who has to go out to work because she's plain, smart and terrible with men. Lady Edith has the misfortune to be the hound in the house, rather than the horse -- that is me to a tee.

If I were Lady Edith, I would have taken out Lady Mary in a riding accident rather than writing letters to people telling them she was a Trollop. Then she would have to wheel around the estate, though I'm sure suddenly she would regain her footing as all surviving characters of Downton mysteriously do.

Also, if I were Lady Edith, I might have taken a run at Mista Betts, the mysterious close talker in the basement. He seems to be the most unlucky man in the house -- not to mention old as the hills the way Edith likes 'em -- so why shouldn't we share in the misery together?

Now a few of my friends might say that I would be perfectly suited to becoming the Dowager Grantham because I am quick with a smart remark and punch line. I say, I have no intention of playing a character who resembles a prune left to rot in the sun. Hey! This is my fantasy. I want to be young again, not an old crone.

Of course, if this were the real world and I'd been born into it, I would definitely be downstairs, and therefore embodied little Daisy the useless assistant punching bag of Mrs. Patmore, though I wouldn't have lied for Thomas, the snoot.

If Scott had been born to the downstairs, he definitely would have been that poor sod who got himself blown up trying to protect Matthew from the bombs. And he would have loved Daisy and if I were Daisy I would have rightly loved him back because I may be useless, but I'm not as stupid as Daisy.

At least none of my characters will die given they've all signed two year contracts, so not to worry. Edith and Daisy are good to go for another two seasons.

It would be a shame to aspire to be a character who is dead. And let's face it, I've seen no evidence that Maggie Smith is actually alive and simply not undead.

I simply cannot wait for the Fourth Season, even though I've spoiled it for me-self and you, if you didn't read that there was a spoiler alert attached to this blog. Shame!

Happy viewing everyone. Watch the knives, the horse hoofs and the electric motorcars.


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