Monday, 9 December 2013

Christmas cards from people you'd love to put in a woodchipper

Dear Friends:

Merry Xmas, Happy Chanukah and Feliz Navidad:

I am so happy to welcome you to our annual Christmas card.

Retirement is such a bitch, y'all. I'm so glad we've stayed together all these years and didn't get divorced like most of our friends who are still working -- at age 55. Just imagine. Poor souls. Somebody really should have introduced them to the Wealthy Barber, who was our neighbor in the Glebe.

We recently sold that old pile on Second Avenue, the one with the drafty attic where we put up a number of MPs while they were in town. Boy, I miss those days. Wine and cheese on the back deck. Mini-golf in the backyard. But the place was just too big for us now that the kids have entered into their Ivy League years.

We've bought a condo not far from the old homestead and we like to stay up at the cottage, just fishing, reading and watching the stars. I'm so glad we invested in real estate in Quebec back in the 70s when we first got married just before Stan got so busy climbing the ladder at the Bank of Canada and I started having children and running my own beading business.

We got ourselves a sweet deal on a second cottage when the tech bubble burst and all that Nortel stock went into the crapper. I feel sorry for those poor people who are probably doing all the free stuff in Ottawa and not boarding around the lake.

We're so lucky to have a caretaker, the dimwitted Frenchman, Pierre, who always makes sure we have a warm fire. He keeps the place well manicured when we're away, which is a lot right now.

You will notice Stan and I are standing on the Riviera, just finishing up cycling around France. We trained very hard for this amazing journey with our wonderful personal strainer, Svend, who used to train Madonna and Michael Jackson before, you know, the face thing.

The wines were amazing, the ones I remember. There were so many inns and so much grape that my liver is starting to have a family. As a result, I spent three or four days in the hospital, spelled hopital and it has a little hat on it. I think there is a French keyboard on the brand new iMac, the one I'm writing on. Too bad I have no idea how to use it. Stan got me the computer for my birthday just after Lasik eye surgery, and I simply have not had the time to learn how it works. So I apologize for all the typos!

Enough about France! We took a little sojourn to England on the way back and you'll never guess who was flying First Class. Justin Bieber! What a little rascal. He caused quite a fuss when he pissed all over the flight attendant because he didn't like the champagne they were pouring. Then he gave a bird to the pilot just before he was tossed out the door. Long story short, he's suing Air France. At least that's what I read on TMZ. They could have called me for the real story. :)

Then we were off to Finland for the running of the reindeer. That was so much fun. We actually got to gut our very own reindeer. Each of us took a number and we were lucky enough to get the winner of the race, a fellow we called Ralph just before we slit his throat. I've always been fascinated by Fins who like their meat ethically raised. We heard about this place from Mark Zuckerberg whom we met in a little pub in Germany. Oh, did I tell you we went to Germany?

The kids, the kids are great. Micheline has just been accepted into the International Order of Social Mediaists, which held its annual congress in Botswanaland. We were happy to attend and stayed at the cutest bed and breakfast. Well, we had a bed but no breakfast. Liars, those Botswanians. We simply adored the local customs. For example, we learned that the left hand was for eating and the second hand was to wipe the arse. I found this very difficult being left handed. I kept getting the hands mixed up. Silly old me.

Jean-Pierre and Jasmine just welcomed their first baby who is already enrolled in the Sorbonne for the year 2018. She'll be going to French immersion/gymnastic/tennis pre-kindergarten before you know it so Stan has prepared a complete life plan for her. No drugs and prostitution for our little bundle of joy.

We've been very lucky in our life. Good jobs, top drawer friends, frequent trips to 24 Sussex. Laureen and I just love riding motorcycles around Harrington Lake

I could go on, but I know you must be exhausted listening to our tales of hardship (har har har). If you'd like to see the rest of the Christmas card go to our website at www.thisisallbullshit.com.

Thanks and have a wonderful year!

Stan and Laurel

p.s. We've just invested in a microbusiness in Guyana which makes gluten free potato chips. IMM if you want to see our brochure.
 

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