Thursday, 12 December 2013

Canada Post: Let's Give Old People Something to Do

Memorandum
 
 
To: Fearless Leader
From: Rona Ambrose, Health Minister
Re: Obesity strategy
 
Dear Leader:
 
Thank you for providing me with this opportunity to give some input into your wonderful, nation-building agenda. I know, I haven't been much help in the past, but I'm trying, I'm really, really trying.
Bruce and I were in bed the other night and he noticed that I was getting a little round in the tummy, not a good look for me, I know.
"Why don't you get a bit of exercise?" he said. "You're not getting any younger, or thinner. Still, your hair looks great."
At first I was a bit mad, but then I thought: why not turn a negative into a positive?
As I was brushing my hair in the morning, the light bulb just went off. Bam. Nearly knocked me out of my Uggs.
I'm not getting any younger or thinner, just like the rest of Canadians.
I remember something Dr. Oz had said to me. You remember, we retained him to help us with our health strategy? Actually, I'm joking I was watching his show, trying to get some inspiration to build into our strategic plan.
I was watching the Ozman and he said this.
"Everybody needs to walk 10,000 steps and nobody does. That's why we have so many fat people in North America."
So Lisa Raitt and I got talking over salads in the cafeteria and I suggested a way we could kill the obesity crisis while saving Canadians money at the same time.
Stop delivering the mail to people. Make them walk 10,000 steps to the nearest post box!
Keeping active is an important part of our agenda. You, sir, could use the walk yourself. So I'm thinking that we make people hoof it to get their mail, especially old people, cripples and shut ins.
Let them get a bit of fresh air.
Those that can't make it to the boxes, well, they have neighbors who could use the exercise, too.
Why pay posties to walk around neighborhoods getting exercise when we can make Canadians do it for free? Those dumb posties could probably get jobs at Walmart. Why should we pay them premium salaries to do a stupid job that anybody could do?
So Lisa and I agreed that I'd pitch this to you, and she would take the credit.
Don't tell people I got the idea from Dr. Oz.
People will start to wonder why I've got this job and not him.
Must go. I have a hair appointment. But think on it, sir.
It's time to give seniors something to do.


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