Wednesday, 20 November 2013

Rob Ford: The face and ass of Toronto

Does it bother anyone in this icebox country to know that more Americans know Rob Ford than Stephen Harper?

On three separate versions of Jeopardy, the place where brainiacs go to die, contestants could not identify the man who has led this country far too long. Yet, ask anyone walking down the street and they will tell you that Rob Ford, God Bless Him, is the Mayor of Toronto.

Canada, we have a serious public relations problem. Who's going to invest in a country whose biggest celebrity right now is Chris Farley? Who's going to want to come up here except for alcoholics and crackheads?

I blame our Prime Minister who spends too much time in Europe and at hockey games.

I'm betting that Stephen Harper could walk down the street in New York City without a ball cap and with a gigantic "Stephen Harper, Prime Minister" logo on his bomber jacket and he wouldn't get a second look. Yet, Rob Ford has achieved Alec Baldwin status not just in America but all over the world. One newscaster reported yesterday that his buddy who now lives in the Australian outback called to say everyone wants to know if he's met Rob Ford.

And it's going to get worse. Yes, siree, Rob. City council has taken away all his powers, except one. He will continue to be the face and ass of Toronto!

The Big Smoke has created its own Smoke Monster.

If a global election were held today, Rob Ford would beat out President Obama. More people know Rob Ford than the president, maybe even Oprah! From what I saw the other day on CNN, Rob Ford has more black friends than the two of them combined, particularly since Obama fucked up their health care and Oprah left for the cable grave yard.

Rob Ford is the King of the Projects, the Sultan of Slums, the Big Cheese on the Shit Sandwich of Life. He buys crack and gives them subways!

Americans have always been dumb about Canada. They know about Steve Nash or Wayne Gretzy, Mike J. Fox or Drake, Will Arnett and Celine Dion, but that's only because those folks live in the U.S. and once in a while mention that they were expelled from their moms' vaginas here in Canada.

Unless Americans come up here for a look-see, they know jack about this country. Even the geniuses at Harvard don't know the capital of Canada. And some of them come from here!

If you look at that stupid SNL send up on Ford the other night, it's chilling to think that Americans still believe we talk like the idiots in that FUBAR movie. Nobody here says "aboot".

What, do they think we all come from Minnesota?

But Rob Ford is definitely making things worse.

Our country is in disgrace right now. We have a Prime Minister that no one knows, a crack-addled mayor whom every one knows and the biggest Canadian star is Justin Bieber.

It's depressing being a Canadian right now.

I need a Beavertail and Tim Horton's, stat.

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