Thursday, 10 October 2013

Happy Turkey Day, Jim Watson!


Photo courtesy of www.freedigitalphotos.net (Tom Curtis)


Gather 'round, children.
We have much to be thankful this Thanksgiving.
We get to live in one of the most beautiful cities in the country, if not the world.
Nobody gets more free stuff than we do in the nation's capital -- except maybe Mike Duffy!
There's the canal, the Rink of Dreams, bicycle lanes that go on longer than Beyoncé's legs, dog parks where our canine love interests get to fly through the woods off leash, a vibrant market with fruits and vegetables hauled in from Mexico and three levels of politics.
Three!
And now we have something else for which we must be grateful. That's right, children, Ottawa will soon be the home of a $3 billion expansion of rail and roads and bike paths, thanks to our good Mayor Millhouse. Just this week, he announced that he's intending on fast tracking a complete makeover of Ottawa's transportation infrastructure -- all of which will be ready by 2023.
That's good for you, Baby Skyler. By the time it's ready, and you're in university, you'll be able to travel by rail all over the city -- except for the airport. Whoops!
Me, I'll probably be dead, but I don't mind paying for it. Not at all!
I'm looking towards my old age thinking wow, I can't wait to pay for all this rapid expansion over the next twenty years, and can barely contain my excitement that I will live in a construction zone for the rest of my life. When I'm 77, Mayor Watson is promising I'll be able to ride the rails -- assuming I'm not on life support -- to all my geriatric appointments.
And there's more to be excited about on this Thanksgiving.
Ottawa Hydro just announced that it's going to monthly billing in January.
That means they'll be able to threaten to cut off my electricity every month instead of every second month. Now, I can look forward to my bills -- electronically to save Hydro money -- and worry about them all the time. Caching!
Back to Transportation 2018 or 2023 depending on how well Millhouse's plan goes.
We live in the city, so we basically shouldn't give a shit about it. We're just lucky to get the Fire Marshal to come visit the crack house next door.
And Ottawa South? Well, Ottawa South won't get that big a piece of the pie, but it will get a pedestrian bridge over the Airport Parkway sometime in 2028. So that's something!
We have to remember to love our neighbors in Barrhaven and Orleans to spread our wealth and anxiety all over the suburbs to entitled public servants.
Really, the people of Orleans should be the most grateful.
Apparently, they'll be cashing in on the whole transportation thing in a big way.
And they deserve the same special treatment as they get by the Ottawa police R.I.D.E. program!
Let's hope the city gets around to putting in that transportation plan before the whole community falls into a gigantic sinkhole.
So let's all hold hands and thank the Lord -- er Jim Watson -- for taking a little more out of our wallets this Thanksgiving.
God knows I didn't know what to do with the last twenty I've got left at the end of the month.

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