I'm staring at it, right now, the brand new GE fridge that replaced The Piece of Shit KitchenAid TM which died on us after only seven years. I'm also thinking that this fridge will never be this empty or this clean again.
Time was, a fridge would last thirty years and become one of those antiques they sell on Craigslist. Not anymore. According to everybody, the modern fridge is built to last only ten years. How did I not know this?
If I had known this, I would have bought a cheap fridge like this GE instead of spending $2,200 bucks on The Piece of Shit Kitchenaid TM.
When I bought TPSK, I also bought a warranty -- for five years. They don't sell warranties over five years for the same reason they cancel your life insurance after age 65. They're betting on the untimely demise of the product.
This GE (aka Cable Town) fridge cost us $695. The warranty was $149. The delivery was $100. So even though we bought the cheapest fridge at Home Depot that had a bottom freezer, we're still out of pocket a solid grand.
Never mind that the bottom freezer has a door instead of a pull out freezer so the Baby Skylar will be able to hide her dollies in it or use it as a fort. It's what we could afford.
So yesterday, the genius delivery guys showed up with our fridge at the end of their shift. They made my husband take the doors off and stood there looking at us while we rearranged the furniture to get the beast into the kitchen. Once they got it in place, they looked at their watches and smiled.
Off they went without setting up the fridge, which I believed was part of the $100 delivery fee.
No offer to help Scott put the doors back on and they nearly ran over Gordie as they raced out the door.
Gordie reacted by shitting himself, as usual. (He doesn't even stand up to poop anymore.)
Before the movers left, they yelled out a warning: Don't turn on the fridge for two hours.
What? We have been waiting, and our food has been spoiling, for two weeks for this damned fridge and now we have to wait two more hours? What will happen if we just, say, plug it in before the two hours are up? Will it scream and die an agonizing death or will it explode into smithereens?
We don't know because they didn't take the few minutes to set it up and answer our questions.
I hope their livers explode and they bleed out.
Anyway, we plugged it in immediately and it started working. If it quits, well, we did buy that warranty so why should we care? When we moved the last time, our movers plugged in the other fridge immediately -- three years ago -- could that be the reason the compressor died on us after only seven years?
I guess we'll find out in seven years.
In the meantime, it got me thinking about the stupid rules that come with new gadgets. Like your curling iron. Do not submerge in water.
"Be there in a minute honey, I'm just curling my hair in the shower."
Or those dumb tags on stuffed animals and pillows. Please do not remove.
"Jesus, I just ripped the tag off this teddy bear and army ants exited and came and ate my face off."
Warning: Beverage is hot!
"Thanks Starbuckeroo! I should have read the warning but I've already consumed half my latte and shredded my esophagus."
These big companies think we're stupid and will follow their rules just because they said so.
I suppose it's for legal reasons. But what would happen if we did the opposite?
Of course not, of course I won't feed my pets the Tylenol. Of course we won't open the Cuisinart while the blade is still whirring....
Take it, Louis CK!