Friday, 30 August 2013

Thanks Lays for making potato chips barfable

Every time I finish a piece of contract writing, I do something nice for myself, which usually involves buying lottery tickets. I used to go to the casino, but I don't make the same money as I used to, so now I have to settle for twenty bucks worth of government-sanctioned scratch off cards.

I usually win something and today, I won fifteen bucks. Being a reformed gamblateer, I take my winnings and I buy something else nice for myself -- it's called behavior modification, people, learn about it! I didn't have enough to buy tequila, so I thought about buying some junk food.

Okay, you got me. I'm on a diet, see, so my junk food consists of a hunk of cheese and an apple. Fortunately, the fast food companies have made this switch pretty easy. You see, I'm absolutely grossed out by the latest efforts of these merchants of death to get me hooked on the new trends in edible oil products.

Here in Canada, we have many disgusting new food inventions to choose from. The latest offerings come from the Lays Potato Chip company. This summer, Lays decided to run a contest for a new, fresh kind of chip and now the company is allowing us, the Canadian people, to choose between the following fancy flavors: grilled cheese and ketchup, perogie, maple moose and Caesar. Go to the handy link to see Martin Short shilling them. (Ed Grimley is this what it has come to?)

Now, I love a good chip, but fucked if I'm gonna eat a chip that sounds like what I used to sneak off my toddler's plate. Grilled cheese is bread, cheese and ketchup. It crinkles, it doesn't crunch.

Maple syrup belongs on pancakes not on potatoes, even a God damned French Canadian can tell you that! And perogies? What's next, cabbage wrapped chips? Send that off to the Syrian government and the generals will be so busy shitting themselves, we can save all the people without firing one God damned missile.

The only one I could get behind, even slightly, is Caesar, but only if there are anchovies in them. And once, again, why not give your kids the real salad?

Thanks, Lays for making potato chips barfable.

Next we have chocolate cream cheese from our friends at Philly.

The commercial goes something like this: "Oh no, you didn't!"

"Oh, yes we did!"

I think the commercial should have left off the tag line.

Chocolate cream cheese on a Montreal style bagel is, let's see, the equivalent of taking it, rolling it in a ball and slathering it on your ass.

Oh, Philly will say, it's DARK chocolate so it's good for you. No it isn't. It's like when the good folks at Kraft or someplace tried to pawn off a Fluffernutter as the equivalent of Wheaties. No wonder the gastric bypass wing at the local hospital looks like the lineup for a Miley Cyrus twerking contest.

I was glad to see that the Cronut made a thousand people sick at the Canadian National Exhibition this year. Serves you all right for eating that crap. What did you think was in it? I have it on good authority -- the Internet -- that a Cronut filling is made up of a combination of raspberry flavored KY Jelly and horse spunk. (Oh, I can't believe I said that, but I just performed a public service. Just like on Van Wilder! Now you will, never ever, eat one.

People, it's time we took back our junk food. Keep it pure: salt, trans fats and lots of things that end in "ose".

Hey, wait a minute. Maybe the geniuses at Health Canada are in on this. Maybe it's a conspiracy to make junk food so disgusting that kids would prefer an apple and a hunk of cheese.

If it is, it totally worked!

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