Skip to main content

Take these vows and shove 'em

There's a standard piece of fine print in the marriage vows that many people should consider carefully before pressing the verbal "send button".
I'm talking, of course, about the "for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health" part.
It's true, a few people hit the jackpot and get the "better, richer, health" part.
But I also know many more who get the low hanging fruit that is marriage.
Like the woman whose husband is the town drunk and falls down, hitting his head, causing it to blow up and sending him to hospital for surgery to remove half his brain. And the fucker is still walking around causing trouble and she had to move out of town.
Or the woman who marries a doctor and got several mistresses in tow. Or the other who marries a guy with a great job who loses it and becomes a professional video gamer while she raises the kids and brings in the dough.
Men also get the bad end of the carrot. They marry the prom queen and bring home a harpy.
They fall in love with a size 6 and find themselves living with a six pack.
Marriage is crap shoot.
My friend Doris is a good example. When she married Bob, he had a good high paying government job while she toiled away in the secretarial pool. Doris worked her way up to executive secretary and then found herself posted to Washington. Bob quit his job and played golf for three years.
When they returned home, Bob couldn't get a job because the only reason he had kept the government job in the first instance was because of the union. The Queen was more than happy to turn down his request for employment and so Bob spent the next 20 years drinking at the local pub while Doris worked two jobs.
Then Bob got sick, nearly died three years ago and Doris has been hauling his ass from hospital to doctor, week after week, making his three egg omelettes and trying not to drown herself in a tub of Smirnoffs.
Last week, Bob went for the high jump again and poor Doris and I were making funeral plans. You could actually see the light come back into her eyes at the thought that Bob might actually be getting the gold watch and going off to become the Duffer in the Sky.
Nuh, uh. After two blood transfusions, Bob was back at it, out of the hospital looking like he could limp a marathon. You can't kill the fucker.
He'll be sticking around to use Doris' retirement fund to buy that Mustang he's always wanted.
If Karma is real, Bob will come back as a slug and Doris will come back as a Disney Princess.
Meanwhile, she continues to live on the ferris wheel of shit and think to herself, "take those vows and shove them".

 

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Ashley Simpson: Conversation with Derek Favell Revealed

  On April 2, 2017, a family friend of Ashley Simpson opened her Facebook Messenger and got the surprise of her life.  Cathy MacLeod had been trying to correspond with Ashley's boyfriend, Derek Favell, who was the last person to see the St. Catharines native before she disappeared from her home in Salmon Arm, B.C. a year before. She wanted to know more about what happened to Ashley, and why Favell had refused to take a polygraph test when many others close to the missing woman agreed to do so. "I wanted to poke the bear," she said, and sent several messages to Favell pleading with him to talk to her.  " Please help us," she wrote. "It's been 10 months of pure hell. A lie detector would help if you have nothing to hide. I beg of you, help us, take the test to clear your name if there’s nothing to hide." Many, including members of the Simpson family, found Derek's behaviour, at least, curious. Ashley had disappeared on April 27, 2016. Yet it took

Ashley Simpson: A Father Remembers

I have asked Ashley Simpson's family and friends to give us a glimpse into the life she lived before going missing nearly a month ago. Here is how her father John remembers his sweet girl. Ashley was a treat when she came into this world, a smashing 9lbs 8 ounces with a  head full of hair and nails that needed to be clipped. She has made many friends in her journey of life and continues to make them as we speak. She has made this world a better place by her love of mankind and this place we call Earth; unfortunately this life she has lived hasn't been the best for her. She has suffered through unbearable pain and suffering through her menstrual cycles. She has cysts on her ovaries that make those 10 days a living hell. She had one of her ovaries removed when she was just 14; the other they won't take out till she is 40 or older. Years of hell for my Ashley. I so feel her pain every month but she doesn't quit, doesn't give in.   That's my

Jack Van Dusen: 90 Years Old and Not a Drop Wasted

A heart is not judged by how much you love; but by how much you are loved by others."  -- L. Frank Baum It's not easy standing out in a family like the Van Dusens. They are like tribbles; they are everywhere. In politics. In the media. In the fine arts. Even on stage at local fairs raising money for good causes. But Jack Van Dusen is no ordinary Van Dusen. He's a trailblazer. He was the voice of Ottawa anchoring the local news in the early days, with the sidekicks you see in the photo above. He was on Parliament Hill rubbing shoulders with the likes of John George Diefenbaker and making mischief with the relatively small cabal of ink stain wretches who were the first generation to talk to Canadians over the air waves. After a successful time in the media, Jack had a second career as a public relations guy. That's when I met him sitting at the lunch table at the National Press Club with his brother Tom, the columnist Charles Lynch, Sergeant-at-Arms Gus Clou