Tuesday, 16 July 2013

Harper's Angels

Candice Bergen seen here with Cabinet colleagues

I'm trying to give up politics for the summer but the politicos just won't leave me alone.
I live in the riding of Ottawa South, the homestead of Premier Dad and Premier Dad's Dad.
Now, because Daddeo fled the coop in fear of reprisal from angry Ontarians, I must confront a byelection.
I struggle with Ontario politics every time there is an election and this byelection will be no different. I've been a life long Liberal, brainwashed at the tender age of 23, made to wear orangey-red t-shirts and get hit upon by paunchy old lawyers.
I was a true believer back in my youth, but became cynical in my thirties and disappointed in my forties. Now in my fifties, I could give a shit.
But vote I must. Still, voting against the Liberals when you've been one for so long is akin to murdering your parents. So I'm going to give Kathleen Wynne a chance because I will never, ever vote Conservative and cannot bring myself to vote for the NDP candidate, Bronwyn Funicello, whose name sounds like a cross-between a CBC host and someone who gets stuffed in a wild bikini.

On to the federal scene, I was thrilled yesterday to see the new cabinet of Crime Minister Hairpiece who stacked the low hanging ranks with blondes and tossed his disabled minister down the stairs. Steven Fletcher was good about it, taking to Twitter to say that he had only wished that "sex scandal" was the reason he was dumped. More room for blondes, he reasoned.
There were so many jokes, I couldn't contain myself yesterday. Here are some of the ones that popped into my over-caffeinated head yesterday. God, I wish I had a talk show.
  • Harper had good reason to shuffle his Cabinet. He needed more babies (offspring of Ministers) who would allow him to kiss them.
  • Candice Bergen is a perfect fit for the Cabinet. She's used to dealing with dummies.
  • I hear Peter Kent has just accepted a job as the weather guy at CNN.
  • Gerry Ritz isn't done with his job as agriculture minister. He hasn't killed enough Canadians yet.
  • And John Baird isn't finished with his foreign affairs yet either. There are at least a dozen embassies he hasn't thrown fabulous parties in.
  • It's good to see the orthopedic surgeon Kellie Leitch in Cabinet. Harper could use a sawbones when he's in the Senate breaking a few legs.
  • And what can we say about Peter Van Loan? Sparkling wit, good people skills, a master of compromise, he remains ideal for Government House leader. (Harper: Fuck the opposition. Fuck 'em all!)
I can't wait for the Fall Session.
But I will miss Vic Toews who is looking to cash in with private sector contracts.
Mind the Ethics Minister, Vic.
I hear she's always packin'.

Meanwhile, I know Harper will be able to count on his blonde angels.
Just pick up the phone, Stevie.
Call me maybe.

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