Thursday, 16 May 2013

Mike Duffy scandal: How Ottawa works

A knock at the door.
"Come in, come in."
"Sir, you wanted to see me?"
"Ya think?"
"I can explain everything. I was just doing what we do on Bay Street. You have a problem that involves money, you solve it with money. It goes away. Gerry taught me that."
"Ah, well, I guess this isn't Bay Street."
"Seriously, sir, I know it looks bad but it's on me. I was the one who took the decision, I am the one whose bank account is $90,000 lighter. Besides, by keeping you in the dark, I've given you plausible deniability."
"This might work in the private sector, but this is fucking Ottawa. When you fart in a room in Ottawa, it sticks to everybody's clothes. The smell rises to the top. And who is on the top?"
"You your Majesty."
"Damned straight."
"Sir, the man couldn't afford to pay back the money. He's nearly a million dollars in debt. He has a heart condition. And frankly, sir, he has problems that even The Biggest Loser couldn't solve."
"Frankly, I don't give a shit. I'd love to stuff him like a goose and serve his fatty liver to the caucus, that's what I'd like to do."
"Sir, I believe that would be murder."
"Of course, you idiot. I know that. Now fuck off out of my office."

The man nods, hangs his head and exits the door. As he leaves, he accidentally bumps a slim blonde janitor who is cleaning a glass nearby.

Five p.m. CTV News.

Good afternoon, we have breaking news. CTV has learned that the Prime Minister's Office is hatching a plot to murder Senator Mike Duffy and serve liver to the caucus in retribution for his failure to personally repay the $90,000 he bilked taxpayers in expenses.

Impeccable sources within the PMO say the Prime Minister discussed the matter with his Chief of Staff, Nigel Wright, at an early morning meeting today. No word on when the murder was expected to take place.

We'll have more on this exclusive story at 11 p.m. with Lisa Laflamme.

Meanwhile, on another network.


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