Saturday, 27 April 2013

The world ended today: Alert Anderson Cooper

I'm having a pretty good day so far, considering the world ended at approximately 5:45 this a.m.
Not really sure how it ended, as I woke up before the big "whatever" occurred.
I think it involved something from space, maybe a really big toilet seat.
Bruce Willis was not available for comment.
I woke up in the middle of this dream, and remember someone telling me that we had two days before the Earth burned up like a Zippo lighter. I think I spent the two days looking for the dogs who had escaped. Other than that, I don't think I did anything at all.
It made me wonder this morning: if the world were coming to an end, how would I spent my last couple of days?
Aside from crying on the commode.
I couldn't do the usual things, like watching premium cable as I assume the people who put such things on the air would be running to and fro, not giving a shit whether Rose missed the last episode of The Big C (spoiler alert! Laura Linney dies).
And the Internet would be down, that's for sure, because well, it's always down anyway in my neighborhood so why should the end of the world make any difference.
Damn you, Bell Media!
In assessing my options, I have concluded this.
I would sit and play video games.
The ones about the end of the world. That's the ticket.
I would try to solve the end of the world, and everything would be okay again.
And I'd eat really gross food, like the chicken wings they sell at Metro with a side of potato salad.
I'd eat the pizza last because it gives me heartburn, but I love it. So I'd wait until approximately 40 minutes before "whatever" so as to avoid the heartburn part, and drink an entire bottle of tequila laced with Triple Sec and a splash of lime, the way a margarita should be made.
I wouldn't care about my weight or alcohol intake like I do now to win the approval of Dr. Ben, whom I assume would be too busy getting his Belgian ass into a bomb shelter somewhere to care whether Rose is obese or perhaps abuses legal substances.
I'm betting Dr. Ben would be into the hooch himself if the world were ending.
Whatever happens, I'd be pretty much doing what I always do.
Two days isn't long enough to get a life.


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