Now that I have officially reached the 10th year mark in my relationship with Scott, I feel confident enough to give some advice to the lovelorn. It took me until my 46th year to figure out what makes a successful relationship. I tried marriage twice before and due to infidelity, both went bust before the husband could even get his seven year itch on.
I was talking to a younger girlfriend this week who gave me the 411 on the piece of shit who was her long-time boyfriend, whom she caught sexting a senior and boffing a barmaid. It took her a while before she finally kicked his ass to the curb. I also talked to another friend who is in the throes of a bitter divorce thanks to her slimy husband who lost interest in her after she gave birth.
Both these women are in their 30s and are pretty much done with men.
But I've told them to hold out. The ocean is full of decent middle aged men and the water's fine.
Besides, I said, experience is everything. You have to kiss a bunch of frogs before you find a prince. And you need to.
This is what I told them.
Don't give up. Because when you finally find a good one -- and you will unless you are a freakazoid -- it will make your life easier, safer and more satisfying. Love found in middle age is, in a word, awesome.
You're both fat, or at least pudgy so you don't have to worry about what you look like in a bathing suit.
His plumbing isn't perfect so you don't have to put out every single night. Besides, middle aged men, unlike their senior counterparts, are too proud to ask for the Viagara.
Unless he's a complete idiot, your new man will not have small children. If he has small children, toss him back.
Hopefully his parents will be dead.
If he's too rich, you don't want him. There are a lot of schlubs out there who have been through divorces -- or who were too shy in their younger years. These guys are not considered great pickins for younger women. So chances are nobody will want to cheat with your guy.
If he's broke, you're safe from golddiggers and other female assholes.
If he had a wife who was a witch, he will love you, undyingly forever.
He's also handy. He knows how to do things like fix the plumbing, put in an airconditioner and negotiate a lawnmower. Chances are, he'll like doing these things.
He'll be into sports that you can do together like tennis and golf, cross country instead of helicopter skiing, snorkeling instead of scuba diving.
A middle aged man knows enough to keep taking his blood pressure medication.
Culturally, he will like the same television shows you do. If he doesn't he'll have his own television.
He's also acquired hobbies that coincide with Project Runway.
He is too old for video games. (Except for Scott but then I like video games, too.)
If he's a drinker, he will have learned to -- or been forced to -- manage it. You can spot the ones who have only a year or two left on their warranty; stay away from them from the get-go.
He knows how to dance.
He will love you for yourself, no matter how many nooks and crannies you have. After all, middle aged women have the same entrances as younger women and they know how to use them more effectively and efficiently.
He'll make a great grandfather, unlike you asshole ex-husband.
He's still handsome in a Hugh Laurie sort of way.
His bald spot seems age appropriate.
Finally, he will be grateful for some quiet loving.
Any time it strikes your fancy.
Television on or off.
Nightie off or over your head.