I’m finally back. It’s been a hard few weeks.
It began with a sinus infection which left me feeling like Nick Nolte in Afflicted, the scene where he pulls out his back teeth. Even having nose sex with a Nettie pot did not help. Like an oozing sore, the nasal passages just had to drain themselves.
And then I got a cold -- one of the really bad ones with a throat burning like some kind of forest fire. And then came the heartburn which burnt the esophagus from the other side.
I’m on deadline for a couple of projects so there was no slowing down. Just drugs.
Finally, I decided to treat myself to an afternoon of Nintendo DS, Final Fantasy Four, which was awesome until the next day when I ended up with what I believe was a pinched nerve on the side of my wrist. I turned into Lobster Girl.
I could not do anything. I could not write, fuck no. I could not cook. Yowza.
Worst of all, I could not wipe my ass.
You don’t actually realize until you no longer have the benefit of the second hand just how useful it is. I am a leftie, but I now know that I do everything except write with my right hand – including wiping my arse. For some reason, the left hand does not want to go there.
I once heard that in some African countries which do not have paper products that one hand is reserved for eating and the other hand is reserved for ass wiping. In my case, I would have had to make a decision, to eat or shit. I think I would choose the latter – I don’t think I’m alone here.
For the past two days, I’ve been like the one armed man in the Fugitive. I have no idea how he kept getting away. I mean, he would have been trapped in the toilet for days.
In any case, I put a tensor bandage on the damned hand and it’s absolutely fine now.
But I’ve decided. No more hand held video games.
As I said, you have to make a choice.
Beating down the Bosses or have a crap.
No contest in my opinion.