Tuesday, 24 July 2012

Pardon me while I leak

I've finally admitted that my bladder issues aren't going away anytime soon, and I've decided to embrace adult bladder pads.

Maybe the advertising campaigns are working. Ever since Whoopi Goldberg and Kirstie Alley admitted they were "spritzers", it seems that this issue has finally come out from Down Under.

I've had this problem for years, the result of having three kids fairly close together. During peri-menopause, it was especially dire. I couldn't walk down the street without peeing my pants. I tried everything to strengthen my pelvic floor including Kegels (squeeze your lady parts while going to the bathroom). I even tried making a homemade contraption made with pennies, a condom and, believe it or not, a Kinder Surprise egg attached to fishing wire. That was the most humiliating time of my life.

Like many women, I just used the old girlie pads which I always had to wear to catch the other female fluid. I never thought I'd need diapers or those gigantic pads they put on seventy year olds or women immediately after childbirth.

After menopause, the whole issue seemed to dry up. But now the condition is back and I'm forced to accept my aging reality.

The ads are ridiculous, but they help. The Depends people are putting adult diapers on figure skaters, football players and dancers and trying to make them seem just like cool underwear. Mind you, there is always a disclaimer which starts, "Hey, Isabella, I know you don't need them but..."

Exactly how do they know? Maybe Isabella Brasseur has been leaking onto the ice for years. But I guess they have to say that; otherwise nobody would do the commercials.

Maybe it's because of the Internet and our new compulsion to share our most personal conditions like bladder leakage, erectile dysfunction and vaginal dryness. But things have definitely changed.

Got a soft winkie? No biggie, take this little blue pill. Got a case of dry mouth down there? No worries, mate. This gel will make your ladygarden sing for its supper!

I remember, not that long ago, when commercials about feminine hygiene products were very coy. People talked about lady times with reverence and joy in whispers. Today, it's balls out. Even the pad commercials are making fun of the old pad commercials.

They're even repackaging this stuff making diapers into sweet little pastel throw away panties and manufacturing tampons in neon colors, presumably making them easier to find in those gigantic purses that girls carry these days.

All and all, it's a good thing. Got me wearin' em. I'd even do a commercial and let the announcer say "I know you need these."

Why not? We're twelve years into a new century. It's time we shared our biological clocks -- and our bodily fluids -- with the whole damned world.

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