Since I've been working out and worshipping Harley Pasternak, I've managed to lose the "second face". That's the doughy rim that coats your real face and makes you look like a Beef Wellie. I've also lost my Joe Clark jowls, the ones that gather like little croissants around the sides of the chin.
For years I thought I had a fat face. It was just my second face.
Now I'm an oval.
Which means that, hopefully, the damned hairdressers will stop trying to give me hairstyles that "frame my face". Maybe I'll even cut my hair short for the first time in a decade.
No, that won't happen.
Unfortunately, I haven't lost my boobs and that means the long hair is here to stay to bridge the distance between my mams and my pinhead.
The other thing that's happened is that I've lost weight in some pretty exotic places. Generally speaking the gut has been transformed from two loaves of bread to a couple of turnovers. Also, I've lost the fat pad that once lay on my pubic bone like an Australian snake sunning itself.
Thanks to the elliptical, I finally have a pretty nice bum, too, which is awesome considering I come from a long line of flat asses. Now I have a little bubble butt, not a Kardashian by any means, maybe more like Helen Mirren's, if I were to be perfectly honest.
But after years as a flabby old gasbag, I'll take it.
In one week, I will turn 56 -- God, I can't believe it, but I almost typed 57! -- and I'm feeling pretty good. I'm definitely feeling much better than my 51-year-old self who could barely walk the dog down the street. Back then, I had fallen arches, throbbing shoulders and hip pane. All of that is gone through sheer hard work as my fear of death or worse pushes me further along.
I have no trouble playing with my granddaughter or the new puppy.
I can even keep up with the youngsters at the gymnasty.
All I need is a little more money and a breast reduction, and I'm good to go.
Kidding about the breast reduction. I realize that if I lose another 40 pounds, the mams will no longer be an issue.
Money I could use.
Please look up and to the right and you'll know what to do.