Tuesday, 19 June 2012

The incredible shrinking ma'ams



Big news.
I'm about two weeks away from a new bra size.
First time in years I won't have to shop at Ottawa Tent and Awning.
The ma'ams are shrinking at last.
I'm an H right now, which has been wholly depressing for me.
When you're an H, you can't run. You can't bounce.
You can't flounce.
The tank top is not your friend.
But when you're back into the Ds, suddenly, you look, well, a bit hot.
(I can't understand how bra sizing works, but you can skip the E, F, and G and go straight to D. Go figure.)
My shirts are getting looser in the middle, too. No more need to suck it in.
It's all thanks to ma boy, Harley Pasternak and his 20 Days to Swimsuit Ready diet.
Okay, it's been about 60 days, but I'm old and I'll take it.
This weight loss is not because I go to the gym every day.
The bored trainers, they lie.
The carbs are what have been turning me into the Pillsbury Doughgirl.
The bad carbs!
I knew it.
Never trust the media.
And don't trust Weight Watchers or Dr. Oz.
You can't eat everything you want in small doses. That is bullshit.
And you can't burn it off like Bob Harper says. Who's the Biggest Loser now, Bob!
It's you my friend.
The Biggest Loser only said if I ate Subway I'd lose weight.
I live right next to a Subway and if I ate Subway every day -- even holding the mayo -- I'd be three hundred friggin' pounds.
Subway is all about carbs.
There is only one guy who speaks the truth, aside from my dear Harley, and that is Tony Grecco.
Tony Grecco is a trainer who says that 80 percent of weight loss is diet.
The last 20 percent is gravy.
That's why people lose weight walking around the block instead of pumping iron at the gym.
Physical activity helps sculpt and tone the body; it keeps the old ticker ticking.
But it doesn't help a hoot in weight loss.
That is what I know and what I'm telling you now.
Wish I'd known this a year and a half ago.
Not that I'm abandoning my exercise regime. I'm used to it. It makes me feel great. It keeps my plantar fasciitis at bay.
But the thinner me has perspective.
I can stop pounding it and start enjoying it.
Just have to pass on the bread and all that white stuff. Keep eating beans and whole grain rice.
Continue to glug smoothies and soups.
I can do it.
Yes I can.
Anything to lose the melons.

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