OFFICE OF THE PRIME MINISTER OF CANADA
AND KING OF THE WORLD AS WE KNOW IT
Dear Public Servant:
Thank you for serving the Harper government over these many years. It's been a blast.
If you are receiving this letter, you're probably aware that your job has been red circled. Don't despair, you still have a chance to work for the Harper government.
Here are some handy hints to up your chances:
- Don't blab to the media. We've noticed an awful lot of public servants who are freely telling everyone who will listen that they're probably going to lose their jobs, houses, families, college funds and gold plated pensions. Let us be clear: If you speak to the media, you will be fired. Like Santa, we're all about keeping a list and checking it twice.
- Don't cry. As Tom Hanks once famously said: "There's no crying in baseball." That's our motto as well. "There is no crying in the Harper government." Ask Helena Guergis.
- Don't tweet about it. Social media is evil. We will find you. And take away your computer. Oh, yes we will.
- Sharpen up your skills. If you flunked French four times, you are out. Pointe finale. We don't care if you have twelve PhDs and you are the international expert in your field. If you can't parlez, go away.
- We suggest that you hire a personal tutor and get those triple Cs. It doesn't matter if you have to quit your volunteer position as a Boy Scout leader; put the kids into hockey. We'll give you a tax credit.
- Never forget who is boss in this town. It's Stephen Harper, Stephen Harper, Stephen Harper. Use this as your mantra. At the water cooler. On the OC Transpo bus home. Never forget the "Harper" in front of government. Your job depends on it. (We're seriously considering an app.)
- If you are red circled, don't forget our handy Tax Free Savings Account, not to mention Treasury Bills. Oh yes, and RRSPs are still your friend.
- Don't bother going back to school. What for?
- If you lose your job, don't bother going to an employment agency. We're eliminating all of them. Sorry 'bout that folks!
- We are offering handy Employee Assistance Programs for all of you who are having difficulty coping. Except for soldiers. They don't need help. They're tough.
- So go out and get your drink on. Be happy, not crabby. We are doing this for our own good -- and yours! We're teaching you resilience!