Tuesday, 29 May 2012

The Queen of Instant Gratification

Dear Harley:

I was so happy to get your reply to my tweet yesterday. It's pretty unusual for a busy guy like yourself to take interest in the weight loss plight of an ordinary citizen like me. I can't really compete with your clients: J Lo, Miley Cyrus, Rachel McAdam, Halle Berry and all the other movie stars you train into ripped shapedness. So your tweet was well appreciated.

I was pretty sure, when I asked you what I should drink on the Twenty Days to Swimsuit Ready diet, that you wouldn't say "vodka" or "red wine". Basically, you're telling me what I already know but don't want to hear -- that I must drink more water. Like most people, I don't drink enough water. In fact, I have a full glass of the stuff that's sitting here, right next to my computer, and it's been here since 7 a.m.

Just can't choke enough of the stuff down. But I'm trying.

Yesterday, which was my first day on your diet, was brutal, let me tell you. Generally, I eat fairly sensibly but I was not ready for a "blenderized" diet unless it involved tequila. Everything was fine until midday when I started to feel pretty sick. I loved the smoothie and the soups, but eating bean dip with carrots rather than a large bag of tortilla chips, well, frankly it blows.

By the time dinner arrived, I was really feeling sorry for myself so I spent the night lying on the couch watching Kevin Costner overwrite yet another movie. (Somebody should tell Kevin that people didn't like Waterworld either.)

Anyway, this morning I dragged myself to the gym and did my usual thirty minutes on the elliptical then dragged myself back home to enjoy a wonderful smoothie made from apples, cinnamon and yogurt. It tasted like apple pie if you took the goo out of the apple pie and threw away the crust. Still, it was delish.

I'm looking forward to the cauliflower soup, which I'll devour in about half an hour.

I must admit, I'm worried. The Queen of Instant Gratification was hoping the scale would move a smidge.

I weighed 217 yesterday and I still weigh 217 today.

Scott says he's lost two pounds.

Bastard.

Maybe I'll put a jalapeno in his smoothie tomorrow.

Your friend in pain and suffering, Rosalita.

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