Saturday, 28 April 2012

Stephen Harper's History of Everything


Good morning, boys and girls.
Stephen Harper, here. That's right, Stephen Harper, your prime minister Skyping in from Madison Square Garden where I just woke up in a beer-laden haze from the defeat of my beloved Ottawa Senators.
How pleased you must be that I took time out of my busy travel schedule to be with you today.
You're welcome!
As you know, hockey embodies all the basic core values of this great nation: guts, bravado, trash-talking and above all, fighting. That's why Canadians embrace the national game -- because every good fight can be settled with a solid right hook.
When the ref isn't looking.
I apply all those principles to governing this great land. I love to tell my caucus about how I sandbagged the Governor-General awhile back just to stay in power.
It was a piece of cake!
She was a girl, after all. And an immigrant. And a journalist.
What did she know?
My, how we had a good laugh at caucus over that one.
A real knee slapper!
I digress.
I'm here to talk to you, class, about my new book, Stephen Harper's History of Everything and How Canada Fits In. Who better to write the next great annotated book of Canadian history but me, the prime minister and chief know-it-all?
 I am the best prime minister ever -- look it up in my book. (Also available on Kindle!)
The book will soon be part of the core curriculum in all schools across Canada.
How did I manage that?
I made a pretty sweet deal with Raincoast Books to bail them out, and they printed it for free. I threw a few extra health care dollars at the provinces and they caved like Sidney Crosby's head in an unfair fight.
So get ready for the one and only history book you will be needing.
I'd like to give you a glimpse into my world of history, one some might call revisionist. I just call it true, gall darn it!
So here goes.
Canada has had a lot of prime ministers, a lot of them stinky Liberals, but the good ones embraced conservatism and sneakiness. The first one was Sir John A. Macdonald, who it's true liked a little drinkey-poo but who doesn't?
Sir John A. built us some great infrastructure, like the railroad, which allowed Canadians to get from here to there. We have the Chinese to thank for killing themselves to build those railroads, but hey! If they hadn't, there wouldn't be any good Chinese food in Regina.
We have had a few other good prime ministers, too, like R. B. Bennett and John Diefenbaker, Ben Mulroney's dad -- well, that's about it.
I can't say they were the best prime ministers, but at least they didn't support Hitler, like the NDP does! Well, maybe Brian Mulroney would have, given his fondness for German pastries, automobiles -- and free cash.
Who said that? Heh, heh.
It's all in the book.
But I'm not here to rehash the book.
I'm here to impart some important knowledge to you, a history lesson to take with you in the future.
There's an old saying amongst history teachers: those who can't do, teach.
Not wait -- that's not it.
Those who ignore the lessons of history are bound to repeat themselves.
Or something like that.
Kids, don't support the NDP.
The NDP are no good socialists who supported Hitler.
That's right, that ugly guy with the moustache. Did Jack Layton have a moustache? Yes, he did.
Does Libby Davis have a moustache? You decide!
NDP politicians are gay-loving, pot-smoking tossers --renters -- who tricked Quebec into supporting them in the last election without ever once coming clean on the Hitler thing. Sure, some people say that it was JS Woodsworth who loved Hitler and he was a CCFer. I say, a CCFer was no different then a Kneedipper, except for the gay loving, pot smoking part -- and they might have owned their own homes, certainly not lofts.
It is also true that CCFers were religious folk but they somehow got lost on the way to the promised land. Conservatism.
Instead of making pancakes, they made Waffles.
Probably with Marscapone cheese instead of Canadian maple syrup.
The CCF loved Hitler, and some Liberals loved Hitler, too.
Many people do not know this, but that rat bastard David Peterson was the son of a CCFer! Clarence Peterson was at the signing of the Regina Manifesto.
Six degrees, if you know what I'm saying.
Now I'm not trying to go all Tea Party on you, folk. I'm just telling it straight, like my old pal Don Cherry -- Don please pass me the bourbon -- he's right here with me.
Don would always call a spade a spade. And he'd say that the NDP can't be trusted. Because the NDP are just a bunch of pinkos who are quite content to pal around with the separatists, as my friend Sarah might say.
Another thing. Never trust a man with a beard. Stalin had a beard.
That's right. And Marx, I'm pretty sure on that.
Tom Mulcair is a complete turncoat. He can't even decide on one party.
Who does that? Well, um, some of us had a reason, at least. Have you ever seen Joe Clark at a Senators' game?
Back to Mulcair.
He left the Liberals in Quebec and developed an orange crush on Bathhouse Jack Layton and that sexy wife of his, Olivia Newton-Chow. Who had some pretty sweet songs in the 70s.
 Well you know where Olivia was born don't you?
Talk about paling around!
Hey, you! You with the spit balls in the back row. I see you. How dare you call me a liar, a fudger of facts.
Alright, mister! You don't get a book!
I'm here to say that there is only one party in the history of Canada that has made this country great.
And it's the Conservative Party of Canada, wait, previously the Progressive Conservative Party of Canada, wait, the Reform Party, no I was right the first time.
So don't listen to the NDP.
They were Hitler's bum boys.
Liberals, too.
Except for the Jews.
Anyway, thanks for having me.
I'm available for bar mitzvahs, bat mitzvahs and weddings.
Just not gay weddings.

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