Tuesday, 6 March 2012

The Girl Who Peed Herself


Funny how the body goes.
For years, I've resisted the siren call of aisle three at PharmaPlus. It was too scary. It had the strange smell of menthol mixed with baby powder.
But Friday, I'd had enough.
The products in the girly section just weren't up to the challenge.
For a couple of weeks, I've had an annoying little tickle in my throat which has resulted in a kind of urinary malfunction. Meaning, every time I coughed, I peed myself.
I've had this condition before, all through ten excruciating years of perimenopause, but since my taps went dry and I began to exercise daily, I've had no trouble with my bladder whatsoever.
The cough brought the issue back with a vengeance.
Ladies' wear did nothing to stem the tide, and so I found myself circling the incontinence aisle.
First thing I spotted was a man of about 80 inspecting all the various products: the diapers, the adult underwear. So I went to check my blood pressure and mercifully by the time I returned, he had gone.
So I bought my first pack of Poise.
Because Kirstie Alley and Whoopie Goldberg are speaking on their behalf. The hip oldsters are not ashamed, as Whoopie says, "of a little spritz".
So I tried on my first pair on Friday night.
Wanted to be confident to go to the bar to celebrate Scott's birthday.
Wanted to know that if I walked home, I wouldn't be standing in puddles by the time I arrived at my doorstep.
Like maxipads, they aren't the prettiest and they are sort of, well, hefty.
Definitely not for the thong brigade.
At my age who cares? I gave up on fashion undies when I gave up panty hose.
Truth be told, they work like stink.
Fortunately, the bladder condition has dissipated along with the cough.
But I still have the giant pack of pink pants in the cupboard just in case.
Because a girl never knows.

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