To: Heart and Stroke Foundation
Death Can Wait Department
From: Rose Simpson
Re: My email subscription
Please cancel my subscription to your service. You have just ruined my Valentine's Day.
Yesterday, you sent me an email asking me to "show a loved one you care by taking action against Death" on February 14th.
Invite your sweetheart on a long walk before that romantic dinner -- research shows that walking before eating can counteract the effects of a fatty meal. Don't forget to record your healthy actions on your My Actions page (the place a person records their blood pressure)."
Thanks Heart and Stroke.
Thanks for then proceeding to tell me several stories about women having heart attacks and worse.
I don't want to see this kind of crap on the eve of Valentine's Day.
All I will be thinking about is whether I'll give my sweetie a heart attack if we decide to do the horizontal mambo. Now I'm re-planning my Valentine's meal to include: quinoa, salmon and sweet potatoes, hold the dessert.
Sorry, Scott, I was planning on scampi drenched in butter and chocolate mousse. My bad.
Heart and Stroke, you are the Grinch, the high school vice-principal, the paternal priest. You could give anybody erectile dysfunction.
You make Death Wait.
I'm having my chocolate mousse.