Saturday, 11 February 2012

You make death wait: I'm having chocolate mousse

To: Heart and Stroke Foundation
Death Can Wait Department

From: Rose Simpson

Re: My email subscription

Dear Death:

Please cancel my subscription to your service. You have just ruined my Valentine's Day.

Yesterday, you sent me an email asking me to "show a loved one you care by taking action against Death" on February 14th.

Invite your sweetheart on a long walk before that romantic dinner -- research shows that walking before eating can counteract the effects of a fatty meal. Don't forget to record your healthy actions on your My Actions page (the place a person records their blood pressure)."

Thanks Heart and Stroke.

Thanks for then proceeding to tell me several stories about women having heart attacks and worse.

I don't want to see this kind of crap on the eve of Valentine's Day.

All I will be thinking about is whether I'll give my sweetie a heart attack if we decide to do the horizontal mambo. Now I'm re-planning my Valentine's meal to include: quinoa, salmon and sweet potatoes, hold the dessert.

Sorry, Scott, I was planning on scampi drenched in butter and chocolate mousse. My bad.

Heart and Stroke, you are the Grinch, the high school vice-principal, the paternal priest. You could give anybody erectile dysfunction.

You make Death Wait.

I'm having my chocolate mousse.

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