We never go out on New Year's Eve.
Cabs are impossible to get. People drink too much and feel it entitles them to slobber all over you. Midnight is way too late for old folks like us.
So we're staying in. Practicing moderation. Probably go to bed at nine.
But as an early present to my bleaders, I've compiled a list of celebrations you might want to take in on the flat screen or on your iPhone.
Here's the lineup.
CNN: The whitest man in America, Anderson Cooper, still can't get a date, so he's once again teaming up with Kathy Griffin (is she or isn't she a tranny?) to ring in the New Year from Planet Hollywood in Vegas. Look for Anderbum to bring his mom. Interest factor: -10)
NBC: The usually funny NBC is settling for Carson Daly who will host from Times Square with Jay-Z and Rihanna. Green Day will also perform. At least the music will be funny. (+8)
ABC: The fossil is back. Dick Clark will be gumming his way through New Year's with the help of Andy Rooney and a number of other dead celebrities. Ryan Seacrest will be in New York with Fergie live from Las Vegas. Performances will include Jennifer Lopez, Daughtry, The Black Eyed Peas, Selena Gomez, Justin Bieber, Keri Hilson, Colbie Caillat, Orianthi and Robin Thicke. Still the one to watch despite Dick Clark. +10.
Fox: Carmen Electra (still hot, but what does she do exactly?) hosts this broadcast from Las Vegas' Mandalay Bay. Eva Longoria Parker and Kim Kardashian are set to appear, and "American Idol's" Kris Allen (who?) and Allison Iraheta as well as Sean Kingston will perform. -10
Global: Well at least the Canucks are trying. The gang from Entertainment Tonight Canada will bring you Simple Plan. -10
CTV: Always trying to save a few sheckles, CTV is running Mary Poppins, then Bad Boys. In between, we can catch Sandie Rinaldo with the news. Cheap bastards. Unrateable.
CITY-TV: Canada's elite fossil, Gord Martineau will be joined by a bunch of clowns from the station including Tracy Moore, Kevin Frankish, and Dina Pugliese. Gawd, I miss Mark Daly. Here's the entertainment, whoever they are. Shawn Desman, Danny Fernandes, Stereos, These Kids Wear Crowns, Divine Brown, and Blake McGrath.
PBS, which is mostly funded by Canadians anyway, will be ringing in the New Year with the New York Philharmonic. +10 for those classic music freaks out there.
I'll be in bed for sure.