Saturday, 31 December 2011

2012: Less sloven, more lovin'



I was eating my high fibre toast, just now, when it took a slice out of my palate. Yowzah.

Damned cracked wheat. You can never trust it.

I'm always getting wounded by food.

Coffee scalds my mouth. Soup goes up my nose. A piece of wayward chicken misses the esophagus and ends up in my windpipe.

And then I sneeze for twenty minutes straight.

And, I am a bad swallower.

I would never have made a skilled porn star.

So I'm rolling my tongue over the afflicted area, tasting a bit of blood and a little skin flap that may be with me until 2013.

It makes me realize the importance of being in the moment, of paying attention to your life.

I've spent most of my life in total distraction. Drank too much. Slept too much. Watched too much television.

I was a pioneer in the art of living in the unconscious state.

Couch surfing? I invented it.

Time wasting? Got the t-shirt and DVD rights.

For most of my life, I figured, I had it made. I never had to go to work. I was never far from the fridge or microwave. And I spent less than $25 on my annual wardrobe.

But there's a price that comes with professional sloth.

I'm poor, for one. I'm fat, for two. I'm friendless, for three.

And I'm starting to smell. Really badly.

Well, that's not exactly true, but perception is everything, isn't it?

Ah, the life of an artist.

The worst part is that I've gained an extra 50 pounds of sloth.

The weight just crept up on me while I was playing Zelda. A few pounds at first, then ten or twelve in the latter years.

By the beginning of 2011, I resembled The Monster Cheese Who Ate Lake Louise.

I loved that book.

It's taken me nearly a year to slough off a quarter inch of it. As I said to Scott today, I didn't realize how much weight I'd gained until I tried to lose it.

Can't wait until KTel starts sellling abdominal vacuum cleaners.

Just plug it into your belly button and it sucks the juice right out. Be mindful of your organs, now!

And if you buy two Belly Suckers, we'll throw in a lathe for your thighs and a turkey baster to plump out those wrinkles -- absolutely free!


If only.

Losing weight has been the battle of my life. I'm Flash Gordon and my omentum is the Evil Emperor Ming.




Scott to Rose: Rose I love you, but you only have one hour to save your life.

Sorry, I was listening to Queen at the gym. See how distracted I get?

Well, at least I've made a start. I'm eating the damned high fibre bread with cracked wheat and almond butter. I'm cutting back on my alcohol consumption -- after I've finished the bag of wine in the fridge.

Okay. I'll do my best.

I can say that I've embrace exercise over the past year. It hasn't been easy. All of my appendages fought against it -- especially my boobs.

But I did it.

I FINALLY KEPT ONE NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTION.

I've been going to the gym nearly every day. In fact, I've only missed about 15 days in a whole year!

Ta da.

So in 2012, I'm pledging more of the same.

Less distraction, more action.

Less drinking, more thinking.

Less sloven, more lovin'.

Gettin' carried away again. I know.

But you get the picha.

See you in 2012.

I'll be at the gymnasty tomorrow. What will you be doing?

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